By Lydia Hope Wilen / New York City Dog Day Afternoon A response based on a misheard statement can become a private joke among family members or friends. The moral of a story or the punchline of a joke can become a private joke, as can a song parody or a nickname (usually unflattering). Even a sound can turn into a line that sticks around forever. Examples: I have had bouts of bronchitis, starting when I was young. When I would have a coughing fit, it would be hard to believe that the horrendous sound of me coughing came from this skinny kid. Okay, all grown up now and not so skinny, but with the same occasional blaring bronchial cough. Several years ago, I came down with bronchitis and, of course, the cough that goes with it. My sister Joany was on a business call in our office. I started coughing before I could leave the room. The person Joany was talking to heard the noise I made and said to Joany in a happy, excited way, “Oh…you got a dog!” From that day on, if someone had a cough or cold and one of us wanted to tell the other, we’d say, “Whoever it was, got a dog.” One of many private jokes. Another one, also involving a dog, happened decades ago, when I was about ten years old. My Aunt Mimi’s sister was going to be traveling for three months and my aunt agreed to take care of her dog, Bella, while she was away. I couldn’t wait to meet Bella and so I walked the 12 blocks to Aunt Mimi’s house and we had a good visit. On the way back home, I stopped at Irving’s Variety Store to buy embroidery threads. That evening, while we were having dinner, I told my father and Joany that I went to Aunt Mimi’s to see Bella and then stopped off for some embroidery threads. Joany said, “Nice dog?” I answered, “You know, Irving’s Variety Store.” She started laughing her contagious laugh and before long, we were all laughing hysterically, including my mother in the kitchen who didn’t hear the conversation, but just heard the laughter and couldn’t help join in. I didn’t even know what was so funny. Once we calmed down, Joany explained that she asked, “Nice dog?” meaning Bella. I thought she said, “Nice store?” and that’s why I answered, “You know, Irving’s Variety Store.” From that day forward, anytime anything was nothing special and one of us asked about it, “Did you like that movie?” “Irving’s Variety Store.” would be the answer. Yawning Out Loud My parents used to listen to comedian Fred Allen (google: Fred Allen) who had a popular radio show (google: radio). One day he talked about spending summers in a small town in Maine. He said that the town was so dull that one day the tide went out and never came back. That did it for my parents and then for us. Whenever someone or something was extremely boring, one of us would say, “The tide just went out…” The rest, “And never came back,” didn’t need to be said. The Punchline Packs a Punch A joke’s punchline can be perfect for a private joke. If used for years, chances are you’ll forget the joke’s setup, but the punchline will stay with you, like this one stayed with me: As Mr. Cohen steps off the curb in the Garment District, he’s run down by a rolling clothing rack. He’s taken to the hospital, bandaged and while waiting for the X-ray results, the nurse sees to it that he’s settled in bed. She then asks Mr. Cohen, “Are you comfortable?” (Mr. Cohen’s answer must be said with a Jewish inflection.) “I make a living.” This one never goes away. Try on a pair of shoes. “Are they comfortable?” “I make a living.” The Sweet Smell of Distress When I was working for director Frank Perry, my office was a converted closet. Bad enough it was small and cluttered, it was painted a harsh yellow that yelled its color. One day, while at my desk, I looked up and there was the lovely Eleanor Perry, Frank’s wife and screenwriter. Her perfume was so strong, I thought my head was going to explode. She must have spilled it while putting it on. All I could say is, “Oh, your perfume!” The wonderful woman that she was, took it to mean I loved the scent. Two days later, there was a very expensive bottle of that perfume waiting for me on my desk. Lesson learned: Express your feelings clearly to avoid any misunderstanding. Private joke: When either me or my sister really disliked something one of us was trying on or considering, if we said, “Oh, your perfume!” That registered our opinion. No more needed to be said. All in the Family I asked several friends for their private jokes, but they all came up empty, except for one who was not willing to share because it was too personal and hurtful. I did, however, get a couple of them from my cousins. (Maybe it’s a Wilen family thing.) Allan, a research and development chemist and my first cousin on my father’s side, married to my cousin-in-law Roberta, an epidemiologist, are well-educated and, in spite of that, extremely bright. This started between the two of them about four decades ago. When they would be witness to someone doing or saying something absurd, inane, ludicrous or just plain senseless, they would look at each other and sum it up in unison by saying, “You can’t fix stupid.” Obviously, word got out and now, 40 years later, people are saying that, since stupid is still around. Roberta frequents her library for returnable hardcover books. Allan buys paperbacks for his escapist reading pleasure. He reads the book only once and yet will not get rid of it. (Holding onto stuff is part of the Wilen family DNA.) There’s a bookcase in Allan’s office. The unreachable top shelf is devoted to the never-to-be-read-again paperbacks. Roberta and Allan agreed years ago that he can pile up his books on that top shelf, but she will never climb up to dust them. With that agreement in place, every time Allan finishes reading a paperback, Roberta hears Allan do a parody of the British rock band Queen’s chart-topper, and it would go something like this: “Boom! Boom! Boom! Another one hits the dust. Another one hits the dust.” Now that I’ve made you aware of Private Jokes, you’ll probably notice it when you come across one. My job here is completed: “Boom! Boom! Boom! Another one was discussed. Another one was discussed.” Lydia Hope Wilen had a successful collaboration with her late sister Joany as nonfiction bestselling authors (18 books), journalists, TV personalities, writers and talent coordinators on a Nickelodeon series hosted by Leonard Nimoy, Reading Rainbow episodes, skit writers for Dr. Ruth's TV show, Diet America Challenge on CBS, and writers of screenplays (optioned but not produced yet). Lydia is writing on her own now and has just completed an extraordinary book for young people and their parents. It will have them laughing and learning...once she gets an agent and it gets published.

By Laurence Lerman / New York City With his fifth feature film, 2022’s Triangle of Sadness, Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund, one of the great provocateurs of recent European cinema, has unofficially “arrived’ on U.S. shores. His first English language effort has garnered a nomination for Best Film at the 2023 Academy Awards. Triangle of Sadness has already snagged a bunch of notable nominations from the Golden Globes, the BAFTA Awards, the Critics’ Choice Awards, France’s César Awards and the National Society of Film Critics. And that in addition to winning the coveted Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes Film Festival. That’s Östlund’s second Palme d’Or from Cannes, following his victory with 2017’s The Square. The European cinema community appears to like what the auteur puts on the screen. Even at 48, Östlund is clearly an enfant terrible who brings a lot to the table beyond being a declared fan of such provocative filmmakers and enfants as Luis Buñuel, R.W. Fassbinder and Jean Cocteau (the author of the 1929 novel Les Enfants Terribles, no less, which was made into a film in 1950 by France’s Jean-Pierre Melville). Categorize Östlund’s films as the cinema of discomfort, as all of them unnervingly or in a roundabout way take aim at bourgeois pretensions and social mores and civility. Upper-class society doesn’t fare well in Östlund’s films, be they a Stockholm museum art curator, his institution’s wealthy patrons and a shallow art world (The Square) or a husband who puts his own life before his family’s during an avalanche while on holiday in the French Alps (2014’s Force Majeure, which was remade in Hollywood as 2020’s Downhill with Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus). And then there’s his latest film, Triangle of Sadness, a pitch-black comedy that follows the passengers and crew members while they cruise on a superyacht, and the disparity between them. As time reveals, the differences in their beauty, social rank and wealth really don’t mean all that much after the ship capsizes and the survivors are stranded on a deserted island—the only person who knows how to start a fire or catch fish is the ship’s “toilet manager.” “There’s a certain kind of extreme behavior that comes from passengers on a yacht that I’ve never heard about anywhere else,” Östlund offered in an interview on the German website nochnfilm.com in October. “They are like five-star hotels with very “professional” service all the time. I did a trip on one of these kind of yachts as research for the film.” While I’m sure I can come with a number of more difficult research trips, Östlund’s voyage was probably an informative one. That can be witnessed in a scene where a millionaire passenger insists that everyone in the crew strip down and go for a swim. Or when a gorgeous “influencer” model (South African star-in-the-making Charlbi Dean, who sadly died last August at 32 of bacterial sepsis) who admits she is in a relationship with fellow model Carl for the engagement it earns them on social media. That is sure to help in her quest to become a trophy wife. Or even when the ship’s drunken captain (an inspired Woody Harrelson) and a Russian oligarch (Zlatko Burić) debate the virtues of capitalism versus communism as the ship goes down and passengers begin to vomit from both food poisoning and the yacht’s violent pitching. As for Triangle of Sadness’s Oscar nomination (one of three, which also include two more for Östlund’s direction and screenplay), the writer/director is naturally thrilled at the attention that the movie itself is receiving. “For me, the great thing with these awards is that they give attention to the film’s content. And I mean, getting a nomination also shows people are interested in this kind of film and are interested in the problematic situations that we are dealing with,” he said in an interview with the online film industry newsite Deadline. “I think one thing that is specific for human beings is that we are very interested in equality, and I’m happy that we get attention for that.” His reaction was markedly better than that following the announcement of the 2014 Oscar nominations. Back then, Östlund was so confident that he would pick up a Best Foreign Language Film nod for the critically lauded Force Majeure that he filmed himself alongside co-producer Erik Hemmendorff as they watched the nominations live from the Trump Hotel in New York City in 2015. When Force Majeure's name wasn’t mentioned, Östlund disconsolately walked off-screen as Hemmendorff muttered, “We’re dead. Fuck.” And in the background, an agonized-sounding Östlund could be heard ranting. I couldn’t discern what exactly he was saying, but it was probably in Swedish, so I wouldn’t have been able to translate it, anyway. A clip of the meltdown can be found on YouTube. And speaking of the indispensable online video-sharing platform, Östlund professes to be a big fan of YouTube. Huge, in fact. “I want to be as good as the kids on YouTube when describing a human being—it’s the best way of using moving images on the Internet,” he declared in his interview with nochnfilm.com. “Directors have to produce better images than we can find on YouTube. That’s how high we should aim! Sounds like an enfant terrible to me! Laurence Lerman is a film journalist, former editor of Video Business--Variety's DVD trade publication--and husband to The Insider's own Gwen Cooper. Over the course of his career he has conducted one-on-one interviews with just about every major director working today, including Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, Kathryn Bigelow, Ridley Scott, Walter Hill, Spike Lee, and Werner Herzog, among numerous others. Once James Cameron specifically requested an interview with Laurence by name, which his wife still likes to brag about. Most recently, he is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the online review site DiscDish.com.

By Jessie Seigel / Washington, D.C. From the evisceration of Roe v. Wade in June to an impending decision by a Trump-appointed federal judge in Texas that may well overturn the F.D.A.’s 2000 approval of the abortion pill mifepristone—the attacks on women’s reproductive autonomy just keep coming. In addition to the many well-publicized battles, a regional border war over abortion rights is raging now between Texas and New Mexico. And if right-wing Texans have anything to say about it, their legal incursions into New Mexico will spread to all the pro-choice states of the nation. A Tale of Two States Texas has the most Draconian anti-abortion laws in the U.S. The state has banned abortion at all stages of pregnancy with no exceptions for rape or incest, and only a narrow exemption for pregnant women who have a life-threatening medical emergency. Furthermore, although the Texas law apparently prohibits prosecuting a pregnant woman who undergoes an abortion, performing an abortion is now a felony punishable by up to life in prison. On the other hand, across the border, in New Mexico, abortion remains legal. There is no waiting period and no limit on the stage of pregnancy during which abortions may be performed. New Mexico is the only state bordering Texas where abortion is still legal. Las Cruces and Albuquerque, the two largest cities in New Mexico, have predictably become regional centers for out-of-state women in need of the procedure. In June 2022, to protect women and their providers, Democratic New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham issued an executive order prohibiting cooperation with other states that might interfere with abortion access in New Mexico. This includes arrest warrants from other states related to anti-abortion provisions. The order also prohibited most New Mexico state employees from assisting other states in investigating or seeking sanctions against local abortion providers. Anticipating the large numbers of Texans who would travel to New Mexico for services, the governor followed that first order with a second in late August 2022. It directed that $10 million from her executive capital allocation for the 2023 legislative session be used for a new clinic in Doña Ana County, which borders Texas’ westernmost point. Governor Grisham told the Washington Post in September, “As more states move to restrict and prohibit access to reproductive care, New Mexico will continue to not only protect access to abortion, but to expand and strengthen reproductive health care throughout the state.” However, despite New Mexico’s laws, certain towns in the state near the Texas border have passed ordinances that have the effect of banning abortion within their city limits. In November 2022, the Hobbs city commission passed an ordinance blocking abortion clinics from operating within its city limits. According to Jurist, the ordinance prevents abortion providers from being granted business licenses or operating in the city in any capacity. It also requires businesses to follow an antiquated federal law providing that nothing designed or intended to produce an abortion can be sent through the mails or delivered by any post office or letter carrier. A violation carries a penalty of fine or imprisonment for up to five years. This is designed to make the shipment of medication or other materials to aid abortions impossible. According to Jurist, this provision is considered unenforceable, but so-called “sanctuary cities for the unborn” like Hobbs are trying to use it to criminalize abortion within their city limits. This kind of anti-abortion ordinance has been adopted in a number of New Mexico cities and counties in addition to Hobbs. New Mexico Fights Back Governor Grisham told Reuters that the Hobbs ordinance had been "authored by out-of-state extremists" and that it is "a clear affront to the rights and personal autonomy of every woman in Hobbs and southeastern New Mexico, and we will not stand for it." She added: "Reproductive health care is legal and protected in every corner of our state. Providers delivering health care have every right to establish a practice, and all women have the right to access medication abortion services, no matter where in New Mexico they call home." In January, New Mexico’s newly elected Democratic Attorney General Raúl Torrez petitioned the state Supreme Court to overrule the local abortion ordinances on the grounds that local officials had overstepped their authority to regulate health care access, and that their ordinances violate the New Mexico Constitution’s guarantee of equal protection and due process. “This is not Texas,” Torrez said in a January news conference. “Our State Constitution does not allow cities, counties or private citizens to restrict women’s reproductive rights…my office will use every available tool to swiftly and decisively uphold individual liberties against unconstitutional overreach.” In addition, Democratic state legislators have proposed a prohibition on local governments interfering with access to reproductive care such as abortion, birth control, and the prevention of or treatment of sexually transmitted diseases. There is also a proposal to protect doctors who perform abortions and their patients from harassment and investigation by out-of-state interests. New Mexico Senate Majority Leader Peter Wirth told News Press Now that the aim is to “prohibit public bodies, including local municipalities, from denying, restricting or discriminating against an individual’s right to use or refuse reproductive health care, or health care related to gender.” The Wider War One might ask, why are the anti-abortion maneuvers of a few little New Mexico border towns and New Mexico’s counter-actions important to the nation? Because those municipal laws are part of a nationwide campaign spearheaded by right-wing anti-abortion activists. Their intention is to attack the abortion protections that remain legal in Democratic-controlled states after the Supreme court gutted Roe v. Wade, claiming the right to abortion should be left to each state to decide. Mark Lee Dickson, head of Right to Life of East Texas and originator of the so-called Sanctuary City for the Unborn movement, has gotten more than 50 cities to adopt anti-abortion measures in Texas and other conservative states. Not satisfied with that, Dickson’s organization is on the move to meddle in the affairs of pro-choice states. In New Mexico, which is Democratic overall, he has been expanding city abortion bans by targeting conservative-leaning towns near the eastern border. Dickson’s under-the-radar modus operandi is to conquer city by city, one city at a time. His Texas anti-abortion group’s website claims that 65 cities and two counties across the U.S. have passed abortion bans so far. In addition to New Mexico, he and his group are planning incursions into Nebraska, Kansas, and California. Nationally, some state officials are sitting up and taking notice. Like Gov. Grisham, Democratic governors in at least 10 other states have issued executive orders to protect abortion providers and patients from their states or who travel from other states to seek the procedure. It is possible that the municipalities’ ordinances are the bait in yet another anti-abortion trap. While New Mexico’s state Supreme Court might find for the state, the localities could then try to take the case to federal court. And if the issue lands before the U.S. Supreme Court, the same right-wing majority that overturned Roe v. Wade could uphold the ordinances. But to his credit, New Mexico Attorney General Torrez has no intention of backing down. “We can’t be retreating every time because we are trying to predict how ideology or politics is infecting the judicial branch. We can’t.” Political columnist Jessie Seigel had a long career as a government attorney in which she honed her analytic skills. She has also twice received an Artist’s Fellowship from the Washington, D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities for her fiction, and has been a finalist for a number of literary awards. In addition, Seigel is an associate editor at the Potomac Review, a reviewer for The Washington Independent Review of Books, and a dabbler in political cartoons at Daily Kos. Of this balance in her work between the analytic and the imaginative, Seigel jokes, “I guess my right and left brains are well-balanced.” More on and from Seigel can be found at The Adventurous Writer, https://www.jessieseigel.com.

By Naomi Serviss / New York City Don’t despair if you missed last month’s two-for-one Broadway ticket promotion. Bargain price New York theater is still within reach, if you move fast. No pressure, but tri-state locals jump on them in nanoseconds, because proximity and weirdly warm winter weather encourages the bridge-and-tunnel folk. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Off-Broadway shows are stepping up with their own two-for-one deals, from February 13th-March 5th. And where can you purchase half-price tickets? TKTS and TDF! Win/Win! Can’t think of a better time than the dead of winter (even during a snowless season here in NYC) to participate in Gotham’s charms and throngs. We’ve had cold snaps (Polar Vortex ring a bell?) to speak of and the above average temperatures, unseasonably warm. Gleeful tourists abound, but in fewer midtown packs. And no slush puddles to avoid. Restaurants are easier to get into without reservations. On matinee days (Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday) shoot for breakfast. Diners are hit or miss but hands down Theater District-favorite is Friedman’s Restaurant in midtown’s Edison Hotel. It’s a hallowed spot, formerly known as the Polish Tea Room, with grumpy wait staff forever pushing the matzo ball soup. It was delicious. Everything, delicious and generously portioned. The Polish Tea Room was the lunch spot for actors pausing for a bite between shows. Songs have been written about the joint and a Broadway play, 45 Minutes to Broadway (with Marian Seldes!) lasted maybe 45 minutes. Close, but no cigar. The waiters now are outgoing and funny while sharing inside theater gossip. Great food, go for breakfast and you won’t compete with matinee lunch ladies. One caveat: the waiter (from Queens) didn’t know what an egg cream was! In a fabled former New York deli par excellence, no less! Shame, shame! Walking to a show, I’m still surprised by how few people are masked, as if the global pandemic had washed away like an early spring rain. I stay masked at every performance I attend, whether required or merely “suggested.” If someone next to me isn’t wearing a mask and the show is meh, and my gut is queasy, I go with the gut. Literally. I’ll leave at intermission, even if it’s a forfeit of a TDF (Theater Development Fund) half-price ticket. You can see Nathan Lane live! In person! Watch him command the stage in Pictures from Home with Danny Burstein and Zoë Wanamaker. Yes, admirer here (sounds less threatening than “fan”). But I’m an even bigger admirer of Danny Burstein, whose charisma and brilliance illuminate every project he’s in. He’s been on my radar for more than 30 years, since he starred in the off-Broadway, I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. Burstein’s current lightning brilliance is on display with Wanamaker and Lane at Studio 54. There are giants in the sky. Off-Broadway Week is an opportune moment to visit (or revisit) old chestnuts like Blue Man Group (BMG), a trio of nonverbal, shiny blue aliens who’ve been tickling the fancy of audiences since 1991 in the East Village. Long before Avatar was a pipe dream, BMG seeped into our popular culture machinery. Becoming mainstream! Making commercials! Selling out! On the other hand, the Who sold out decades ago and I forgave them. Sort of…All hail the Blue Men, forever and a day! BMG, the razzle-dazzle Obie and Drama Desk award-winning phenom, has been seen by 35 million folks from a swath of age groups, backgrounds and cultures. It’s easy to see why it’s got such mass appeal. No language barrier! Space Age Three Stooges in blue latex body suits and lovely paint to drum with. It’s a Serviss family favorite. We saw the originals back in the day, who, keeping in character post-show, autographed our Playbills with a delicate blue smack on the cover. We had been hijacked by bald blue gentle creatures who simply wanted to commune with the universe. Doing so requires a “be in the moment” positive attitude. You will have fun sharing their messy, joyful and hilarious journey. You might want to pack ear plugs, though. Without speaking word one, the group communicates through decibel-breaking rock music, syncopated rhythm, mayhem and “How’d they do that?” schtick. Augmented by gobs of paint. Buckets of paint. BMG has no “plot” to speak of, but there is method to the madness. If someone enters late, wish them luck tippy-toe sneaking to their seats. They will be mocked and chastised and the audience will have a good laugh, thanking the heavens the joke wasn’t on them! New routines are added lest repeat viewers get jaded. I’ve seen the show at least three times, (after the second time, it’s all a blur) and happy to report they added new contemporary bits. Each performance is a snowflake, unique and ephemeral. In the early iterations of the show, the Blue Men asked for audience volunteers. My son Ben got drafted once and good-naturedly let his ears become musical instruments. A piece of string was taped to both earlobes. Then the music began and Ben’s ears were yanked in time to the downbeat. It was a visual. And discontinued. But BMG is not the only game in town. You may not have heard of some but take a chance, you might discover something groundbreaking. Rent and Hamilton both originated off-Broadway. Contemporary and new plays are well represented in this two-for-one promotion. If you’re open to recommendations and want to take advantage of this sale, buy tickets IMMEDIATELY to The Wanderers. It’s a new play about Orthodox Jewish newlyweds and the secular Jew who enters their lives. Barry Edelstein directs the New York premier of the comedy. Yes, comedy! Katie Holmes, a former television teenage waif child/woman on Dawson’s Creek, stars. Granted, a television actress does not necessarily a thespian make. But hey, Katie Holmes, ex-wife of Tom Cruise! You never know who might show up to give her support. The play is worth a look-see for that price (if you can get seats). It only runs through April 2nd. But more impressive? The Broadway debut of comedian Sarah Cooper. If you’re unfamiliar with her Trump impressions, find her on YouTube. It’s worth it. Tickets to this one will go in a flash. Other shows I look forward to: Samuel Beckett’s Endgame with comic actor Bill Irwin, Elyria, The Best We Could, Asi Wind’s Inner Circle. And strictly for hearty laughs, do not miss The Play That Goes Wrong. It’s a master class in slapstick humor, farce and shocks. Off-Broadway shows might not seem as glam as blockbusters like The Lion King or Hadestown, but when you’re spellbound in an intimate venue, unlike real estate, location isn’t everything. Naomi Serviss is a New York-based award-winning journalist whose work has been published in The New York Times, Newsday, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Highroads (AAA magazine), in-flight publications, spa and travel magazines and websites, including BroadwayWorld.com

By Judi Markowitz I first met Ann Mandelbaum in August 1973 on a small yellow school bus. We had both recently been hired to teach at Novi Middle School. By chance we sat next to each other and connected immediately, sharing details about our lives as we toured the district. It just so happened that we were close in age — our early 20s. I was from Oak Park, Mich. and Ann was from in Havana, Cuba. During the 1950s, when Ann was a child, Cuba was a country that had endured the rule of Fulgencia Batista–the U.S.–backed military dictator for seven years.. Batista benefited from this relationship with the U.S. His repressive government profited from the exploitation of Cuba’s commercial interests. He even had alliances with the American Mafia. Cubans suffered at his hands — financially and with their lives. After Batista’s government was overthrown in 1959, Fidel Castro came to power and the citizens were elated. Ann recalled there were posters of Fidel Castro and Jesus Christ next to each other in many homes. She said that people equated Castro with being a savior. Men even grew beards to emulate their beloved leader. People cheered, crowded the streets, and danced with joy. The atmosphere was hopeful. For two years, the country appeared to be headed in the right direction — education and health for everyone was stressed. All citizens were encouraged to learn to read and write in Spanish. Ann’s mother, Rachel, attended classes. Each year Castro initiated new programs and had specific goals to improve the lives of its citizens. — until the tight grip of the Communist party prevailed. Cuba’s savior became a dictator and private businesses were no longer tolerated — big or small. The government now owned all factories, restaurants and companies. Nationalism took hold. The cheering crowds became silent as their rights faded. The writing was on the wall. Ann’s earliest recollections were centered around her home. Her father was a tailor, and her mother was a seamstress. They owned their own business, and their house was at the back of the store. Her parents worked side by side all day long — but that’s where the relationship ended. With tears in her eyes, Ann recounted that her parents argued constantly–her father was abusive. “The beatings my mom endured were unconscionable,” she told me. “My brother was our protector. I felt safe when he was around. He was like a father figure to me.” But Bernard was 20 years older than Ann, and no longer lived at home to help with this unrelenting situation. Bernard was married and had a son. As Castro’s revolution ramped up, Bernard saw that things were going sideways in the country — there was instability and unrest. And then Castro’s dictates closed their tailor shop, took away the sewing machines, and left the family at the mercy of new communist regulations. Bernard knew he had to leave the country and made preparations. He had dreams of his own — he had studied to be a doctor. Bernard applied for a visa at the American Embassy to complete his residency in New York. Ann was devastated when Bernard and his family left Cuba—she felt abandoned. It was 1960 and Ann was only nine years old. It was now Ann’s job to protect her mother. She was alone with no resources to help her handle this situation. There were no agencies she could turn to for guidance or refuge. “I had to be strong for my mom even though I was still a child,” Ann said. I knew we had to leave the country as well.” With continued threats from her dad, Ann eventually stopped talking to him. Her parents divorced, but they lived together due to their financial situation. And then the sucker punch was thrown — Ann’s father started to bring prostitutes to the house. The dysfunction kept mounting. There was a small Jewish enclave in Havana when Ann was a child. Her parents had emigrated from Poland and spoke several languages — Polish, Yiddish, and Spanish. Ann grew up primarily hearing Yiddish and Spanish in her home. She recalled, “I knew I was not like the others in my town. I had blond hair, did not have a last name like Garcia or Mendez, and my family was in the minority — we were Jewish.” Ann remembers feeling different as a result, but not enduring direct discrimination. Ann’s family never celebrated any of the Jewish holidays and never attended synagogue since there were none in close proximity. But Ann did understand her Jewish roots and knew, when the time came, she was expected to marry a Jewish man. As mounting numbers of citizens prepared to leave the country, and even some neighbors disappearing due to their political affiliations, Ann found strength in the small circle of Jewish friends she associated with. Even though Ann’s family was not religious, she gravitated towards a Zionist group, Betar. She would attend meetings regularly in Havana and here she became acquainted with the Hebrew language. Ann even met Menachem Begin when he visited Cuba. She also had aspirations of visiting Israel but that was derailed due to Castro’s strict political and social changes. Finally, after six long years, Ann and her mother were able to leave Cuba. Ann was 15. She needed her father’s signature as well to make the journey since she was not of legal age. At first, he would not comply, but that quickly changed. Bernard petitioned for them as well — he was Ann’s hero, and she was proud to be his sister. Ann and her mother arrived in Miami in 1966. Since Cuba was a communist country, the U.S. considered them refugees. They were welcomed by HIAS — a Jewish organization that helps refugees resettle. After a few days Ann and her mother went to Michigan to be reunited with Bernard and his family. He was an OB-GYN now and had taken a position at Providence Hospital. Ann was elated to be with Bernard once again. They moved in with his family, but it was a bit challenging since he and his wife now had three children. Ann helped with chores around the house and took care of her niece and nephews. But it didn’t matter how much she contributed, Ann felt that her sister-in-law resented her — she didn’t like the close relationship between Ann and Bernard. Within two days of moving to Detroit, Ann’s mother found a job. She was hired as a seamstress downtown and took the bus back and forth every day. She would leave when it was dark and return in the dark as well. Rachel made 25 cents for each piece of clothing she sewed. It wasn’t much but at this juncture she could contribute to the household. Within six months, Ann and her mother moved to their own apartment. But Ann’s mother didn’t drive, and they had to depend on others for transportation. Ann reflects back on her early memories of Detroit by saying “I felt that people were cold and distant. I was used to the busy street life of Cuba where everyone knew each other. I was very lonely.” Learning English was a challenge, but Ann readily caught on. However, it was a difficult transition adjusting to life in the U.S. Soon after her arrival in Michigan, Ann enrolled at Henry Ford High School in Detroit and slowly began to make friends. She graduated after attending for two years and received a scholarship to Wayne State University. Here Ann majored in Spanish, minored in French, along with obtaining a teaching certificate. She was on her way – the American Dream was in sight. After teaching in Novi for four years. Ann decided to go back to Wayne State University and pursue her Ph.D. in Latin American Literature. She became a graduate assistant, taught, and took classes. Also, at this time Ann was fixed up by a friend with George Mann. He was from Transylvania, Romania and had come to the U.S. as a teenager — they had a lot in common. Ann recalled George saying “he knew she was the one” from the first moment they met. They were married that same year — it was 1975. Ann and George decided to spend a year abroad in 1979, in Spain. Ann continued her studies while George enjoyed the sights and learned Spanish. With her Ph.D. in her pocket, plus valuable teaching and organizational skills, Ann opted to help George in his law practice. They were working side by side, just like Ann’s parent’s years before, except they had love and mutual respect. George practiced immigration law. Ann always encouraged him and told George to delegate his clerical work. She would remind him that time was better spent trying to find solutions for his clients. George’s motto was “We Specialize in the Impossible.” This attitude affirmed their desire to reach out internationally as well. Their first endeavor was to help Ann’s father leave Cuba. Her mother wanted him out of the country. Ann was conflicted but chose too accede to her mother’s wishes. At this point her dad was sick, blind, and practically destitute. Ann felt that if she never saw him again, it would have been fine. She also told her mother that she wouldn’t take care of her father — it was now her mother’s responsibility. In 1979, Ann’s dad was able to leave Cuba after 13 years. Russia was the couple’s next frontier. Ann and George traveled to the former Soviet Union in 1982 to help Russian Jews emigrate. And then a repeat performance occurred in 1987 as Ann and George went to Russia for a second time. Their desire to help oppressed people took them to Ethiopia as well in 1984 and 1985. They adopted two families in order to work through a web of complications and have them legally leave the country and relocate. Helping several Falasha families (Ethiopian Jews) settle in Israel was extremely gratifying. Then, after being married for 14 years, Ann and George started a family. Interestingly, Ann’s brother Bernard delivered three of her four children. Their joy was short-lived due to Bernard being diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, he died four months later. It was unbearable for Ann and the family. Their fourth child was named after Bernard — his memory lives on. Ann is now 72 and George is 75. Immigration law remains in the forefront with no stopping in sight. Ann’s managerial expertise keeps the office afloat even though she comments that now, everyone in the office could be her grandchild. Ann’s nonprofit is still close to her heart — an ESL program to teach English to immigrants. Their work continues as Ann and George try to help others make a new life in this country. Does Ann have any new undertakings on the horizon? In her words, “Life is a project and family is, too.” Judi Markowitz is a retired high school English teacher of 34 years. She primarily taught 12th grade and had the pleasure of her three sons gracing her classes. In addition, she taught debate, forensics, and Detroit film. Judi has four adult children and seven wonderful grandchildren. She is married to Jeffrey Markowitz, whom she met in high school. Judi grew up in Oak Park, Mich. which had a stellar school district, with excellent teachers. The city provided activities for all–and there were even sidewalks. Judi moved to Huntington Woods as an adult, which is a half mile from her childhood home. She wanted the same experience for her children as she had growing up, and Huntington Woods provided that. The View from Four Foot Two is Judi’s first book.

By Lydia Hope Wilen / New York City Police officers, detectives, and spies had a coded language all their own, that is until TV and film scriptwriters let us in on it. Who can forget Broderick Crawford, star of Highway Patrol, introducing 10-4 into our lexicon? Who can remember? It was in 1955. 10-4 was code for “okay,” “affirmative,” and has been replaced of late with copy or copy that. I’m a TV crime series junkie – all the Law & Orders, Criminal Minds, The Americans, the lettered series (NCIS, S.W.A.T. the FBIs) and the newbies, The Rookies and The Rookies Feds, to name a few. Their succinct language has crept into my everyday vernacular. Last week I asked my assistant, Viv, to put out a BOLO for Arnold’s Organic Thin-Sliced 22 Grains & Seeds Bread…and she knew that BOLO meant “Be On The Lookout.” Police and Detective Parlance If you didn’t know what BOLO meant, and you watch crime shows, let me fill you in. Criminal Minds features the F.B.I. BAU. Of course you know what F.B.I. stands for, but do you know that BAU is “Behavioral Analysis Unit”? They’re a team of Profilers who study evidence in order to build a theoretical profile of a serial criminal. It should have been called the Profilers Unit, but probably an older staff member knew that the initials PU has a stinky sound to it. (Young people might not realize that reference.) That series introduced me to unsub, an unknown or unidentified subject or suspect. Much to my surprise, there was a TV series in 1989 called Unsub. (Hmmm. How did I miss that one?) Many of the new crime series use unsub when referring to, well, to the unsub. Talk about new series, on a recent The Rookies, the episode started with the police sergeant preparing his force for the day during the oppressive Los Angeles heat wave, by testing them on the acronym CHEAP. Since it was new to me and it’s good for everyone to know, here (on the coldest day in NYC) is what the letters stand for: C: Check on the vulnerable and your partner H: Hydrate E: Eat light meals A: Avoid prolong sun exposure P: Pace yourself To keep you in the loop while watching your favorite crime shows, here are some law enforcement codes and their meanings: ATL – Attempt to locate. Bronx Roll or California Roll (depending on which coast you’re on) – Failure to stop completely at a stop sign. Bus – Ambulance. The first time I heard this, I was relieved when an ambulance showed up instead of a bus. CI - Confidential Informant has access to criminal activity and is willing to share it with law enforcement officers, either for a price or for reduced sentencing. If you’re an actor auditioning for the part of a CI, chances are you will not be on the series for more than two episodes. CIs are usually caught squealing and killed. EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – a fairly new psychotherapy used on victims and witnesses to uncover painful buried memories and details that help lead to the apprehension of unsubs. Forthwith – Radio car command to do something immediately. In the Wind – Lost contact with the suspect. May have fled on foot. ME – Medical Examiner. A physician trained in pathology, who performs autopsies, investigating deaths that occur under unusual or suspicious circumstances. Perp – Short for perpetrator – A person who commits a crime. No wonder it’s a shortened version of the word. By the time a police officer points out a “perpetrator,” the perp will be in the wind. Skate – A criminal getting out of trouble the easy way…a witness not showing up to testify in court or the murder weapon mysteriously disappearing. Stresser – The trigger that causes and motivates the unsub to act out. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary of some horrible kind. Tats – If you’re a crossword puzzle doer, you’ll think “needlework forming lace.” If you pay attention to detection work on crime shows, you’ll know that tats is short for tattoos, that can pinpoint Security Threat Groups and Street Gangs. Wacked – Gangster term for having someone, like a CI bumped off (killed). Wagon – Prisoner transport van. When a wagon is in use, you can expect a diversion of some kind, leading to a prisoner escaping. Spy Speak The language of espionage is extensive and changes as we speak or as they speak. Here are a few key words often used in TV shows that feature spying. But first, an acronym that explains: Why spy? MICE – M = Money. Yes, spies get a salary. I = Ideology. Believing in the cause. C = Coercion. Being blackmailed into it. E = Ego. Being an Agent can make you feel real important. Count on one or more of these reasons to take on this risky and rewarding job. Agent Handler (CIA version is Case Officer) – The one who runs the Agent’s operation which may include recruiting, instructing, paying, debriefing and advising. Cobbler – Need a passport? Want a new birth certificate? See the cobbler, a forger of identity documents. Dead Drop – If it’s not safe to meet with someone who you need to give something to, a safe, prearranged, secret location is set up where you can leave it, for it to be picked up later. Ears Only – Material that is so sensitive, it must not be put in writing. Honey Trap – A sexy babe at the bar, ready to seduce secrets out of the Agent. Or it may be that she’s working for the same side, and sent to test the Agent’s loyalty. Intel – Short for intelligence (duh!)…meaning useful information, usually concerning a person of interest or the enemy. Legend – (Has nothing to do with John, the singer.) It has to do with an Agent who is going in deep dive undercover and needs an entire artificial life history and the documents that go with it. (Get the cobbler ready.) Traps – An Agent will set up traps to know if someone has been snooping around. One trap would be a strand of hair across a closet or drawer, that will no long be there if the closet or drawer was opened. Another trap would be microscope slides under a carpet. Without making a sound, they will shatter if someone walks on them. This seems like enough Intel talk for now, hoping you know more than before, but not enough to have the C.I.A. at your door. Copy that! Lydia Hope Wilen had a successful collaboration with her late sister Joany as nonfiction bestselling authors (18 books), journalists, TV personalities, writers and talent coordinators on a Nickelodeon series hosted by Leonard Nimoy, Reading Rainbow episodes, skit writers for Dr. Ruth's TV show, Diet America Challenge on CBS, and writers of screenplays (optioned but not produced yet). Lydia is writing on her own now and has just completed an extraordinary book for young people and their parents. It will have them laughing and learning...once she gets an agent and it gets published.

By Laurence Lerman / New York City It’s not as out-there as actor Will Smith’s infamous on-stage slap of host and comedian Chris Rock at last year’s Academy Awards—not even in the ballpark, really. But the week following the talented Andrea Riseborough’s nomination for Best Actress for her performance in last year’s little-seen independent drama To Leslie is already in the running to be one of the biggest controversies of this year’s Oscars. In the wake of Riseborough being acknowledged for a film that earned only $27,000 during its barely-there limited release on October 7 (it became available to stream on-demand on October 22), To Leslie has emerged from near-obscurity to a public that’s now curious about a film that it’s probably never heard of. Helmed by first-time feature director Michael Morris (whose résumé includes the prestigious television series Better Call Saul and For All Mankind) and written by Ryan Bianco, To Leslie stars Riseborough as the titular West Texas working class mother who wins the lottery, only to spiral into alcoholism and impoverishment. Six years later, after she’s kicked out of the motel where she is living, Leslie reconnects with her with her estranged 19-year-old son and former friends as she attempts to get sober and face her demons. To Leslie, which also featuring Marc Maron, Allison Janney and Stephen Root in its cast, certainly reads like the kind of film that Academy Award voters would get behind: a tough, contemporary story about a disenfranchised character who takes a shot at redemption, led by a central performance that was lauded by the critics after viewing it at a screening or on a streaming platform. (The odds are they didn’t see this $27,000 grosser in the theaters!) An explosion of criticism hit social media platform on the morning of January 24 in the hours following the announcement of the nominations, at first focusing on the fact that Riseborough scored a nomination rather than actresses Viola Davis and Danielle Deadwyler. The stars of the commercially and critically well-received The Woman King and Till, respectively, the two Black actresses were considered likely to garner nominations, which never happened. The belief was that the British-born, white Riseborough took the other two talented actresses’ slots. Members of the Hollywood extended community and awards watchers also raised questions about whether rules may have been broken with To Leslie’s Oscar campaigns, which appear to have actively lobbied Academy members to vote for the film. In the months prior to the announcement of the nominations on January 24, dozens of Hollywood’s hottest names announced how enthralled they were with Riseborough's performance, or posted comments supporting Riseborough and her clearly long-shot bid for a Best Actress nod for her work. Among Riseborough’s many champions (and possibly lobbyers) were Edward Norton, Sarah Paulson, Bradley Whitford, Zooey Deschanel, Joe Mantegna, Jennifer Aniston, Debra Winger and even Howard Stern, who mentioned To Leslie on his Sirius radio broadcast and is known to be very friendly with director Morris’s wife, actress Mary McCormack. The praise just kept on coming: Allen Cumming commented on Riseborough’s “insanely raw and beautiful performance.” Kate Winslet called Riseborough’s work “the greatest female performance on screen I have ever seen in my life.” Gwyneth Paltrow described the movie as a “masterpiece of a film.” And Charlize Theron even hosted a screening of To Leslie at the Creative Artist Agency offices in Burbank in early November, the first of a handful of screenings held by other celebs. So loud was the outcry after the nominations were announced that the governors of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences deliberated on the subject at a previously scheduled meeting on Tuesday, January 31. Following the meeting that day, the Academy announced that it would not rescind Riseborough’s nomination for Best Actress, following a brief investigation into whether an Oscar campaign on her behalf violated the organization’s rules. “The academy has determined the activity in question does not rise to the level that the film’s nomination should be rescinded,” Academy CEO Bill Kramer said in a statement. “However, we did discover social media and outreach campaigning tactics that caused concern. These tactics are being addressed with the responsible parties directly.” So what exactly were the social media and campaigning tactics that were called into question? On January 31, industry trade paper Variety reported that one of the strongest potential campaigning violations came in the form of a now-deleted Instagram post from the To Leslie account which quoted an excerpt from critic Richard Roeper’s Top Ten Films of the 2022 list in the Chicago Sun Times: “As much as I admire Blanchett’s work in Tár, my favorite performance be a woman this year was delivered by the chameleonlike Andrea Riseborough in director Michael Morris’ searing drama about a mom at the final crossroads in her life after she’s lost everything due to her drinking. With an insightful script by Ryan Binaco and fine supporting work by Marc Maron, Andre Royo, Allison Janney and Stephen Root, To Leslie ranks with Leaving Las Vegas and Crazy Heart as modern-day classics about the ravages of alcoholism.” According to Variety, this post may have been regarded as a direct violation of the Academy’s campaign rules regarding references to other nominees where the rule states “any tactic that singles out ‘the competition’ by name or titles is expressly forbidden.” While the Instagram post quotes a critic and doesn’t directly state the name of a competitor, that the post comes from the film’s official Instagram account could still be an issue. Eyebrows were also raised by a social media post by the actress Frances Fisher on January 14 stating that Academy members should vote for Riseborough since “Viola, Michelle, Danielle & Cate are a lock for their outstanding work.” She was referring, of course, to Viola Davis, Michelle Yeoh, Danielle Deadwyler and Cate Blanchett, and though the story ending happily for Michelle and Cate, that’s not the case for Viola and Danielle. Looking at the weeklong skirmish now, a few days after it has basically ended, one comes away with the feeling that the hullabaloo over an actor not earning a nomination for his or her in an industry award competition might be small potatoes compared to the near-guarantee that the story will receive the kind of press that could only generate more business for the film. This is certainly the case for To Leslie and Ms. Riseborough, who never received this kind of attention in a previous decade of fine performances in projects like Oblivion with Tom Cruise (2013), Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014), The Death of Stalin (2017), Mandy (2018) and Possessor (2020). And the same could also be said about The Woman King and Till, which performed respectably at the box office, but were far from being runaway hits. So maybe the campaign and nomination scandal will attract some additional eyeballs to those two films as well. 'Cause as many an Oscar winner who's taken the stage and offered an acceptance speech has said, it's all about the work. Isn't it? Laurence Lerman is a film journalist, former editor of Video Business--Variety's DVD trade publication--and husband to The Insider's own Gwen Cooper. Over the course of his career he has conducted one-on-one interviews with just about every major director working today, including Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, Kathryn Bigelow, Ridley Scott, Walter Hill, Spike Lee, and Werner Herzog, among numerous others. Once James Cameron specifically requested an interview with Laurence by name, which his wife still likes to brag about. Most recently, he is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the online review site DiscDish.com.

By John Rolfe / Red Hook, N.Y. For anyone who isn’t a member of MAGA Nation, is there any more wearying news than the fact that Donald Trump is finally actively campaigning for his party’s 2024 Presidential nomination? According to many news reports, campaign donations are down, the GOP is short of enthusiasm, and a fair number of Republican voters would prefer another candidate. Even Trump seems tired of the whole thing. Trump is like a chronic wasting disease that ravages the spirit, mind and body politic. It has been eight long years since he announced his first bid for the White House and it is absolutely sickening that he is still eligible to hold federal office. In quainter, saner times, such a candidate’s political career would be in smoking ruin for having an extramarital affair with a porn star, let alone engaging in a naked attempt to fraudulently overturn a national election. After a tepid announcement in November of his intention to run, Trump’s first appearances on the stump — at party clambakes in New Hampshire and South Carolina–were decidedly small by his standards. Now a caricature of his blustering self, he delivered run-of-the-mill speeches and summoned to mind his derision of 2016 challenger Jeb Bush as “low-energy Jeb.” Trump claimed to be “more angry” than ever, but didn’t really sound like it while serving up his stale rants about the “stolen” 2020 election and rapists pouring across America’s southern border. Along with mainstream media’s now boilerplate wishful thinking that the end is (finally) near for Trump, there is much speculation that his considerable legal woes are curbing his enthusiasm for a second term. It certainly seemed like his being caught with a trove of classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago palace would spell his doom, but he caught a huge break when President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence were found to possess smaller amounts of the same kind of stuff. Even with Special Counsel Jack Smith looking into it, I’m still inclined to believe Attorney General Merrick Garland now has a window he will use to issue a stern tut-tut-tut to all parties and close the matter with a minimum of political upheaval. Meanwhile, legal pots continue to boil in Washington (Smith is looking into Trump’s efforts to block the lawful transfer of power to Biden), Georgia (Fulton County DA Fani Willis may charge Trump for pressuring state officials to reverse the results of the 2020 election), and New York (where the Trump Organization was found guilty of tax fraud and the former President pled the Fifth 400 times in a deposition before State Attorney General Letitia James). Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg is still sniffing around Trump’s hush money payments to porn actress paramour Stormy Daniels. One or all of these cases won’t derail Trump politically. Accused or convicted felons are not prohibited from running for the Presidency. Even if he somehow ends up in jail — a process that will surely take years — Trump’s base will avidly back him to the bitter end and beyond. That in turn will keep the GOP in thrall to its worst Trumpist impulses despite many in the party having become woke to the harsh reality that he turns off way too many moderate and independent voters and now even some on the right. So we’re all in for another indefinite period of exhausting, nauseating bushwa-drenched sturm, drang and whining about investigative “witch hunts.” According to Trump, each and every one is the biggest and worst in the history of the world. Everything he says about the corruption of the “swamp” and the deep state that is out to get him sounds robotically rote now. Our justice system has bent over three ways from backwards to be fair — taking years to compile evidence, employing multiple grand juries, appointing independent special masters and even Trump appointees to oversee inquiries, and considering as many appeals as Trump can finance. But that will never matter to his supporters and allies. To him and them he will always be an unjustly persecuted victim. Political theater and revenge will remain on the menu while the nation’s more pressing problems are ignored. We’ll also be treated to more juvenile schoolyard dust-ups between Trump and his challengers, some of whom who are doing their best to ape his style and policies. Trump has already accused Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis of being disloyal for daring to run against him and plans to “kick him in the nuts.” And while the GOP’s radical wing in the House will do its hairy beast to torment and neuter President Biden, we can all rest easy knowing Trump will be out there vowing to treat refugees more inhumanely than they already are and rid the nation of transsexuals and drag queens. There will be much, much more and much, much worse, but I’m blocking. The election is still more than 600 days away and I’m already worn out. John Rolfe is a former senior editor for Sports Illustrated for Kids, a longtime columnist for the Poughkeepsie Journal/USA Today Network, and author of The Goose in the Bathroom: Stirring Tales of Family Life. His school bus drivin’ blog “Hellions, Mayhem and Brake Failure” is parked on his website Celestialchuckle.com (https://celestialchuckle.com) with the meter running.

Fred Plotkin, a pleasure activist and passionate Italy and culinary expert, speaks each Friday with leading people in the arts FRED PLOTKIN is one of America’s foremost experts on opera and has distinguished himself in many fields as a writer, speaker, consultant and as a compelling teacher. He is an expert on everything Italian, the person other so-called Italy experts turn to for definitive information.  Fred discovered the concept of "The Renaissance Man" as a small child and has devoted himself to pursuing that ideal as the central role of his life. In a “Public Lives” profile in The New York Times on August 30, 2002, Plotkin was described as "one of those New York word-of-mouth legends, known by the cognoscenti for his renaissance mastery of two seemingly separate disciplines: music and the food of Italy." In the same publication, on May 11, 2006, it was written that "Fred is a New Yorker, but has the soul of an Italian."

By David Perel / Boynton Beach, Fla. Rejoice, America. The end of political chaos is upon us. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is ready to announce his candidacy for president and we have obtained a draft of what is/might be/could be/probably isn’t but should be his announcement speech, which lays out a grand vision to create a Free America, One nation, under his godlike guidance, with liberty and justice for some. Here is his speech: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I want to talk to you about a subject of deep concern to all Americans and to people in all parts of the world—the culture war against America and conservatism. So tonight, to you, the great silent majority of my fellow Americans, I ask for your support. I pledge to end the culture war in a way that we can win the public bathrooms back from transgender people. Because let us understand –the Ls, the Gs, the Bs, the Ts, the Qs and even the Pluses–cannot defeat or humiliate the United States when it has a strong leader. And that’s why tonight I am announcing my candidacy to be your next president for as many years as it takes to restore America’s freedom. (applause) And when you elect me and I move into the White House with my wife Casey, my three children, and our dog Checkers, I will execute the same expression I have in the Free State of Florida – not of a weak, babbling woke democracy, but of an authoritarian state where everyone is proud to obey. I will likewise be obeyed when I must take command. We make history tonight–not for ourselves, but for the ages. The choice we make in 2024 will determine not only the future of America but the future of what Americans read and how they are instructed to think for the rest of time. As we look at America, we see cities enveloped in smoke and flames after only one black man dies in police custody. We hear sirens in the night after maybe another black man dies in police custody. And as we see and hear these things, millions of Americans cry out in anguish asking, why do American police who accidentally may have killed various black men who sell loosies, who commit traffic infractions, have to stand trial for this? That question is answered by the voice of the great majority of Americans, the forgotten Americans -- the non-shouters; the non-demonstrators, the God-fearing, gun-loving White people who built this great nation on the backs of others. They are not racists or sick; they are not guilty of the crime that plagues the land. They are white and a few, like Clarence Thomas, are kinda Black. They give lift to the American Dream, to live in neighborhoods where we all look the same. Our goal is justice for every Christian American. We will impose our world view to the exclusion of the leftist socialists, the lovers of critical race theory, the investors in ESG, the Democrats who enslave poor people by giving them welfare money and food stamps and free medical care. Freedom lives here, in Free Florida, the most free state in the nation, and after I am elected, it will live in the rest of America, it will live in Free America. Freedom lives in the courage of those who patrol the streets and keep our communities safe from the Biden Cartel, it lives in the industry of those who work long, long hours to earn a living and raise their families and not rely on the crutch of minimum wage, and not blame their employers for a lack of health care. It lives in the dedication of those who teach our children what they can and cannot think, it lives in the wisdom of the rest of our senior citizens who somehow survived Covid. We will not fear any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Free America and my first act as your president will be to pass the Covid Bill of Freedom In Free Florida, we did not resort to the tyranny of Covid mitigation strategies. And our approach is the most effective in the world. Only 84,0000 Floridians died from Covid. More than 6 million people in the world died! That means we did a great job and our people had–like all Americans should have–the freedom to die without masks on, the freedom to not minimize risk in any way, the freedom from government forcing poisonous vaccines into their bodies, vaccines that could have killed them. And yes, many people who stood up to the government and refused the deadly vaccine, died from Covid. They lived free and they died free. And we take comfort in the fact that every time an anti-vaxxer dies from Covid, an angel gets its wings. So it goes. (Wait for applause) When elected president, I will form a committee of top experts to look objectively into this, and conclude that vaccines are a deadly hoax. Heading this committee will be Dr. Andrew Wakefield. Joining him will be Dr. Billy Pilgrim, Dr. Scott Atlas and special advisors Robert Kennedy Jr. and one of the greatest minds of our generation, Jenny McCarthy. (Wait for applause) In Free Florida, I have solved the big problems, I have tackled the biggest issues. This includes getting guns into the hands of everyone who wants them without invasive checks to see if they have severe mental issues, and not allowing teachers to indoctrinate our young children by acknowledging the existence of gay people and knowing that everyone who opposes our Go-Away-Gays policy is a groomer. Make no mistake, groomers are not just in Florida but everywhere. They start with your dogs. Sure, that poodle looks nice when you pick him up. But groomers then move on to children, luring them to pet those dogs so they can indoctrinate them by telling them there are gay people in the world, which science has proven, turns children gay. Groomers become teachers where they say gay–against the law in Free Florida by the way­– and they convince these children that’s it’s okay to use any bathroom, no matter the plumbing. In Free Florida, we protect our children by allowing parents to sue teachers who do not show heterosexual characteristics, who go to the Woke Kingdom of Disney World who refuse to accept diversity of thought and opinion, ranging from conservative to radical conservative. As your next president, which I will be unless there is massive voter fraud because I have already won the election, I will make this a national program in a new, Free America. The sanctity of life will be aggressively protected in my Administration. We will pass a federal law protecting the unborn, ensuring the rights of the babies of rapists to be born, of all babies to be born . And to the pregnant women who must die to protect the rights of the unborn, we thank you for your service. So it goes. (wait for applause, standing ovation) We will also bring another Free State of Florida program to the national stage: The Book Banners Bill of Rights. We will ban the books that make our children uncomfortable, that make White straight people uncomfortable. We will leave the decision of what has literary merit to the parents, who may or may not have read the books, the parents who have graduated elementary and even middle school. We already have a partial list of books that must be banned, books that seek to indoctrinate our children. Black Like Me: I am not black. And neither are you! The title alone makes me uncomfortable. And in Free America we don’t have to be uncomfortable. (wait for applause) Anna Karenina: If it’s not enough that this was written by a Russian, then add the fact it glorifies adultery and immoral women. It might be fine for communists but not for us in Free America. (wait for applause) Anything written by John Cheever. I mean, come on folks. I’m not even going to explain this one. (wait for more applause) We must ban these books from our schools because we have the right to clean up the debris of the past. And to the great parents who have already helped and will help ban these books in the future, know that you are doing the right thing in committing the evil spirit of the past to the flames of roaring conservative values. I’m happy to announce I’ve already chosen the members of the Book Ban committee who will help entrust to the flames the intellectual garbage of the past and they are Nick Carraway, Clarissa and Elizabeth Dalloway, and Joan Gilling. America must always be a great place to raise a family. We will enact more family-friendly policies to make it easier to raise children and we will defend our children against those who seek to rob them of their innocence. Of course, I am talking about illegal immigrants. (applause here) They have invaded our great land in record numbers, following Barack Obama from his homeland of Kenya, bringing drugs, pestilence, plague and paganism. The struggle is real. So to my friends in the Latino community, I want to say a few words: Democrat. Socialist. Hide. Yankee. Hotel. Foxtrot. Democrat. Socialist. Hide. (Wait for applause. Note to staff: Can we get an audience member to shout, “Si! Si! At this point?) We welcome you to a New America where no person of means has to be uncomfortable, where we will teach everyone, including the millions of Black Americans in prison, that systemic racism is a myth. If you’re like me, then you know systemic racism doesn’t exist. White people look around. Do you see any systemic racism? Nooooo. (wait for crowd to shout “Nooooo.”) For too long, our nation’s history has been distorted by the liberal-snowflake-sheep-socialist-Democrat/non-Christian, non-hetero rabble-rousers. They have made much about the issue of low-paid workers brought to this country from Africa a really, really long time ago. Like many of our ancestors, they came to this great land in boats and were given opportunities. They were given housing in exchange for their work in the fields. Some, like the ancestors of Byron Donalds and Clarence Thomas, were allowed to live in their employer’s house. Byron’s ancestor Tom was so close to his employers that he was like family and they often referred to him as Uncle. The woke mob invented the word slavery, to denigrate a few southern employers who were too enthusiastic about the economic system they invented. Now 200+ years later they want to make us feel uncomfortable and we weren’t even alive! I will bring to Free America the same teacher workshops I have implemented in Free Florida, to stop the distortion of our history, to note that most enslaved people in the country were born into slavery and that the colonies didn’t buy nearly as many enslaved people during the transatlantic slave trade as has been portrayed by the woke mob. No more will our children be indoctrinated by hearing there were nearly 4 million enslaved people in the overall U.S. population of 31 million in 1860. Our true history is that from Tulsa to Rosewood and throughout this great land, we have made sure the freedom to protest is unfettered and unconstrained. That is the America I will restore. Many people and groups who have supported my vision of allowing freedom for conservatives to ring from every village and every hamlet are here tonight. I would like to thank my wife Casey, who agreed to use her battle with breast cancer in my TV re-election campaign ads. I would also like to than my backers in the Jewish community. Many of my friends from the Florida Jewish church, Bet Mashuganas, are here tonight. I want them to know I will support Israel unwaiveringly, I will eat gefilte fish, kugel, chopped liver and a bagel with a shmear regularly. (Note to staff: please check to make sure this is what Jews eat.) I will make sure the community is safe from illegal immigrants, like the ones that tried to storm Florida’s shores long ago from the MS St. Louis. I want to assure you I have heard your fears, I have heard your Rabbi Portnoy’s complaints and I will Keep My Oath to protect our Jewish Republican friends despite the fact they refuse to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior, must die in order for him to return and are damned to an eternity in hell. (wait for applause and Jews to give a standing ovation) As I conclude my announcement, I would like you to join me in prayer, a prayer for Free America. (Note: Bow head here, practice making a face of reverence.) Let us pray. Let our country be restored to its heteronormal Christian greatness, to go forward and create a Brave New World which hath such conservative creatures as our sons, our daughters of the American revolution, our sisters and our big brothers. This I ask for in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Governor. Amen. David Perel is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated investigative journalist. He has worked as a senior executive at several media companies.

By Bonnie Fishman / San Francisco Bay Area If you’re not a sports fan, you may be afraid that this isn’t the column for you. Stay with it, though–I’ve got a good recipe at the end! I AM a sports nut, always have been. I come by it naturally by being born and raised during the ’50s and ’60s at my dad and my uncle’s sports camp, Michigama, in West Branch, Mich. We lived and breathed competition day in and out. It also helped that I inherited the Fishman family athletic gene. Combine that with my love of sports, and I was all in. A favorite pastime of mine growing up was watching golf on TV with my dad. Some people would say that was the equivalent of watching the grass grow. But I enjoyed the camaraderie with my dad. He taught me to play when I was 12 and we continued to play together until he was into his 80s. Oddly enough, he wasn’t much of a football fan. That’s where we diverged. I was a bouncy cheerleader in junior high and high school, so learning the game of football was essential. Cheering for the games was a great way of genuinely expressing my enthusiasm for the sport. My love of football has stayed with me throughout my life. When my son, Ben, began to enjoy watching football as much as me, we would spend Saturday afternoons on the couch rooting for Michigan football and Sundays hoping that the Detroit Lions wouldn’t lose again! We did this through his high school years. Lucky me, Ben went to Michigan, and for four years, we went to the football games together, sitting on the 45-yard line in my dad’s Victors’ seats from 1942 when he lettered in baseball. (To this day, I still have four seats, having held them in the family for 80 years!) Now Ben and I watch football anytime we’re together, whether in his Los Angeles home or my home. His two little boys, nine and six years old, are as obsessed as we are, God bless them. Which brings us to the Super Bowl, the granddaddy of all games. Back in 1966, the NFL and the AFL merged. The big game started out in 1967 when it was called the NFL-AFL National Championship Game. The name officially changed a few years later to what we know it as today. When it first started, it was a huge deal. The publicity for the big game built up for weeks. I clearly remember the novelty of it all. Green Bay beat Kansas City in Los Angeles on January 15, 1967. A memorable Super Bowl for me was on February 5, 2006, when the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks at newly built Ford Field in Detroit. Money was poured into city beautification, and everyone talked about the Super Bowl coming, which would bring an onslaught of visitors and an infusion of business reaching across many hotels, restaurants, and shops. I, too, sought opportunity to make a buck through a hot tip from a chef friend. The game organizers were looking for local restaurants to provide food for a pregame party at Ford Field. For some reason it was an Italian theme (go figure) and my shop, Bonnie’s Kitchen in Bloomfield Hills, Mich. was awarded a contract to make two items: salad and cookies. Great! Do you know what Caesar salad for 1,500 people looks like? Can you imagine dipping 1,500 Italian shortbread cookies in chocolate? We’re talking large-scale preparations. Organizing and execution was easy. Delivering it in subzero weather, finding our way through the maze of kitchen tents attached to Ford Field was a different matter. All-in-all, it was a great experience. Super Bowl Sunday has grown into an unofficial American holiday, with viewing parties held nationwide. Back in 2000, my sisters and I were visiting our dad for his 80th birthday in Florida. His birthday was always close to the Super Bowl. His friends there were hosting a football party that we were invited to. My sisters and I call these “Costco parties,” in that almost everything served came from that discount warehouse store. You could have predicted the menu. I remember watching the game with a bunch of elderly men who were hard of hearing. Could the TV have been any LOUDER?? That brings me to this week’s recipe. My family is not buying prefab appetizers. Traditional foods for these parties are chili, wings, sliders, chips and dip, guacamole and salsa, and cookies decorated as footballs. People don their team’s gear, decorate their buffet table with football-themed items, and serve the meal using Super Bowl paper goods. At my game day buffet, I’m going with Honey Lime Wings. Easy to make and a real crowd-pleaser. Tell us at The Insider who you’re rooting for and what kind of delicious snacks you’re serving. Try these wings, you’re going to love them. Pass extra napkins, too! Honey Lime Chicken Wings Yield: (@ 30 pieces) 6-8 servings Sauce: 1/4 c. honey 1/4 c. fresh lime juice 1 Tbsp. chopped fresh ginger 1 Tbsp. chopped garlic 1 Tbsp. sesame seeds 1/2 tsp. salt 1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper 1/4 tsp. black pepper 3 lbs. chicken wings, just the 2 larger joints coarse salt and fresh ground pepper for seasoning Blot the wings dry on a cookie sheet lined with paper towel. Season liberally with coarse salt and fresh ground black pepper. Line another cookie sheet with foil. Spray with pan release. Reserve. Preheat oven to 450°. Put the sauce ingredients in a large skillet and bring to a simmer over moderate heat. Add the wings. Cook for 15 minutes, stirring often to coat the wings with sauce. Using tongs, lay the wings on the foil-lined pan. Increase the heat in the skillet and boil for 2 minutes or until it gets thick and glazy. Pour the sauce over the wings. Sprinkle with additional sesame seeds. Roast the wings for 25 minutes or until browned. Sprinkle with additional sesame seeds. Bonnie Fishman attended the Cordon Bleu Cookery School in London. Later, she owned and operated Bonnie’s Patisserie in Southfield, Mich. and Bonnie’s Kitchen and Catering in Bloomfield Hills, Mich. She has taught cooking for over 35 years and created hundreds of recipes. She is now living in Northern California.

By Andy Borowitz February 6, 2023 SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Elon Musk has been seething with envy over the media attention garnered by the Chinese spy balloon, the Twitter C.E.O. revealed. “I don’t get it,” he said. “I’m super cool and interesting, and it’s just a freaking balloon. What does it even do? Just stupid balloon shit.” “Probably, if the balloon was running Twitter, people would be willing to come into the office instead of working remotely,” he continued. “Oh, yeah, everybody just loves their precious balloon.” Musk disclosed that the sensation the balloon has created is making him consider becoming a balloon himself. “Only I wouldn’t be some boring balloon like that one,” he said. “Maybe I’d play music or have flashing lights, like at a rave. People would be, like, ‘Elon is such a freaking cool balloon.’ You’ll see.” Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.