By David Perel / Boynton Beach, Fla.
Rejoice, America. The end of political chaos is upon us. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is ready to announce his candidacy for president and we have obtained a draft of what is/might be/could be/probably isn’t but should be his announcement speech, which lays out a grand vision to create a Free America, One nation, under his godlike guidance, with liberty and justice for some.
Here is his speech:
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Tonight I want to talk to you about a subject of deep concern to all Americans and to people in all parts of the world—the culture war against America and conservatism. So tonight, to you, the great silent majority of my fellow Americans, I ask for your support.
I pledge to end the culture war in a way that we can win the public bathrooms back from transgender people. Because let us understand –the Ls, the Gs, the Bs, the Ts, the Qs and even the Pluses–cannot defeat or humiliate the United States when it has a strong leader. And that’s why tonight I am announcing my candidacy to be your next president for as many years as it takes to restore America’s freedom.
(applause)
And when you elect me and I move into the White House with my wife Casey, my three children, and our dog Checkers, I will execute the same expression I have in the Free State of Florida – not of a weak, babbling woke democracy, but of an authoritarian state where everyone is proud to obey. I will likewise be obeyed when I must take command.
We make history tonight–not for ourselves, but for the ages.
The choice we make in 2024 will determine not only the future of America but the future of what Americans read and how they are instructed to think for the rest of time.
As we look at America, we see cities enveloped in smoke and flames after only one black man dies in police custody.
We hear sirens in the night after maybe another black man dies in police custody.
And as we see and hear these things, millions of Americans cry out in anguish asking, why do American police who accidentally may have killed various black men who sell loosies, who commit traffic infractions, have to stand trial for this?
That question is answered by the voice of the great majority of Americans, the forgotten Americans -- the non-shouters; the non-demonstrators, the God-fearing, gun-loving White people who built this great nation on the backs of others.
They are not racists or sick; they are not guilty of the crime that plagues the land.
They are white and a few, like Clarence Thomas, are kinda Black.
They give lift to the American Dream, to live in neighborhoods where we all look the same.
Our goal is justice for every Christian American. We will impose our world view to the exclusion of the leftist socialists, the lovers of critical race theory, the investors in ESG, the Democrats who enslave poor people by giving them welfare money and food stamps and free medical care.
Freedom lives here, in Free Florida, the most free state in the nation, and after I am elected, it will live in the rest of America, it will live in Free America.
Freedom lives in the courage of those who patrol the streets and keep our communities safe from the Biden Cartel, it lives in the industry of those who work long, long hours to earn a living and raise their families and not rely on the crutch of minimum wage, and not blame their employers for a lack of health care. It lives in the dedication of those who teach our children what they can and cannot think, it lives in the wisdom of the rest of our senior citizens who somehow survived Covid.
We will not fear any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Free America and my first act as your president will be to pass the Covid Bill of Freedom
In Free Florida, we did not resort to the tyranny of Covid mitigation strategies. And our approach is the most effective in the world. Only 84,0000 Floridians died from Covid. More than 6 million people in the world died!
That means we did a great job and our people had–like all Americans should have–the freedom to die without masks on, the freedom to not minimize risk in any way, the freedom from government forcing poisonous vaccines into their bodies, vaccines that could have killed them. And yes, many people who stood up to the government and refused the deadly vaccine, died from Covid. They lived free and they died free. And we take comfort in the fact that every time an anti-vaxxer dies from Covid, an angel gets its wings. So it goes.
(Wait for applause)
When elected president, I will form a committee of top experts to look objectively into this, and conclude that vaccines are a deadly hoax. Heading this committee will be Dr. Andrew Wakefield. Joining him will be Dr. Billy Pilgrim, Dr. Scott Atlas and special advisors Robert Kennedy Jr. and one of the greatest minds of our generation, Jenny McCarthy.
(Wait for applause)
In Free Florida, I have solved the big problems, I have tackled the biggest issues. This includes getting guns into the hands of everyone who wants them without invasive checks to see if they have severe mental issues, and not allowing teachers to indoctrinate our young children by acknowledging the existence of gay people and knowing that everyone who opposes our Go-Away-Gays policy is a groomer.
Make no mistake, groomers are not just in Florida but everywhere. They start with your dogs. Sure, that poodle looks nice when you pick him up. But groomers then move on to children, luring them to pet those dogs so they can indoctrinate them by telling them there are gay people in the world, which science has proven, turns children gay. Groomers become teachers where they say gay–against the law in Free Florida by the way– and they convince these children that’s it’s okay to use any bathroom, no matter the plumbing.
In Free Florida, we protect our children by allowing parents to sue teachers who do not show heterosexual characteristics, who go to the Woke Kingdom of Disney World who refuse to accept diversity of thought and opinion, ranging from conservative to radical conservative.
As your next president, which I will be unless there is massive voter fraud because I have already won the election, I will make this a national program in a new, Free America.
The sanctity of life will be aggressively protected in my Administration. We will pass a federal law protecting the unborn, ensuring the rights of the babies of rapists to be born, of all babies to be born . And to the pregnant women who must die to protect the rights of the unborn, we thank you for your service. So it goes.
(wait for applause, standing ovation)
We will also bring another Free State of Florida program to the national stage: The Book Banners Bill of Rights. We will ban the books that make our children uncomfortable, that make White straight people uncomfortable. We will leave the decision of what has literary merit to the parents, who may or may not have read the books, the parents who have graduated elementary and even middle school. We already have a partial list of books that must be banned, books that seek to indoctrinate our children.
Black Like Me: I am not black. And neither are you! The title alone makes me uncomfortable. And in Free America we don’t have to be uncomfortable.
(wait for applause)
Anna Karenina: If it’s not enough that this was written by a Russian, then add the fact it glorifies adultery and immoral women. It might be fine for communists but not for us in Free America.
(wait for applause)
Anything written by John Cheever. I mean, come on folks. I’m not even going to explain this one.
(wait for more applause)
We must ban these books from our schools because we have the right to clean up the debris of the past. And to the great parents who have already helped and will help ban these books in the future, know that you are doing the right thing in committing the evil spirit of the past to the flames of roaring conservative values.
I’m happy to announce I’ve already chosen the members of the Book Ban committee who will help entrust to the flames the intellectual garbage of the past and they are Nick Carraway, Clarissa and Elizabeth Dalloway, and Joan Gilling.
America must always be a great place to raise a family. We will enact more family-friendly policies to make it easier to raise children and we will defend our children against those who seek to rob them of their innocence.
Of course, I am talking about illegal immigrants.
(applause here)
They have invaded our great land in record numbers, following Barack Obama from his homeland of Kenya, bringing drugs, pestilence, plague and paganism.
The struggle is real. So to my friends in the Latino community, I want to say a few words: Democrat. Socialist. Hide. Yankee. Hotel. Foxtrot. Democrat. Socialist. Hide.
(Wait for applause. Note to staff: Can we get an audience member to shout, “Si! Si! At this point?)
We welcome you to a New America where no person of means has to be uncomfortable, where we will teach everyone, including the millions of Black Americans in prison, that systemic racism is a myth. If you’re like me, then you know systemic racism doesn’t exist. White people look around. Do you see any systemic racism? Nooooo.
(wait for crowd to shout “Nooooo.”)
For too long, our nation’s history has been distorted by the liberal-snowflake-sheep-socialist-Democrat/non-Christian, non-hetero rabble-rousers.
They have made much about the issue of low-paid workers brought to this country from Africa a really, really long time ago. Like many of our ancestors, they came to this great land in boats and were given opportunities.
They were given housing in exchange for their work in the fields.
Some, like the ancestors of Byron Donalds and Clarence Thomas, were allowed to live in their employer’s house. Byron’s ancestor Tom was so close to his employers that he was like family and they often referred to him as Uncle.
The woke mob invented the word slavery, to denigrate a few southern employers who were too enthusiastic about the economic system they invented.
Now 200+ years later they want to make us feel uncomfortable and we weren’t even alive!
I will bring to Free America the same teacher workshops I have implemented in Free Florida, to stop the distortion of our history, to note that most enslaved people in the country were born into slavery and that the colonies didn’t buy nearly as many enslaved people during the transatlantic slave trade as has been portrayed by the woke mob. No more will our children be indoctrinated by hearing there were nearly 4 million enslaved people in the overall U.S. population of 31 million in 1860.
Our true history is that from Tulsa to Rosewood and throughout this great land, we have made sure the freedom to protest is unfettered and unconstrained. That is the America I will restore.
Many people and groups who have supported my vision of allowing freedom for conservatives to ring from every village and every hamlet are here tonight.
I would like to thank my wife Casey, who agreed to use her battle with breast cancer in my TV re-election campaign ads.
I would also like to than my backers in the Jewish community. Many of my friends from the Florida Jewish church, Bet Mashuganas, are here tonight. I want them to know I will support Israel unwaiveringly, I will eat gefilte fish, kugel, chopped liver and a bagel with a shmear regularly. (Note to staff: please check to make sure this is what Jews eat.)
I will make sure the community is safe from illegal immigrants, like the ones that tried to storm Florida’s shores long ago from the MS St. Louis. I want to assure you I have heard your fears, I have heard your Rabbi Portnoy’s complaints and I will Keep My Oath to protect our Jewish Republican friends despite the fact they refuse to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior, must die in order for him to return and are damned to an eternity in hell.
(wait for applause and Jews to give a standing ovation)
As I conclude my announcement, I would like you to join me in prayer, a prayer for Free America. (Note: Bow head here, practice making a face of reverence.)
Let us pray. Let our country be restored to its heteronormal Christian greatness, to go forward and create a Brave New World which hath such conservative creatures as our sons, our daughters of the American revolution, our sisters and our big brothers. This I ask for in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Governor.
Amen.
David Perel is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated investigative journalist. He has worked as a senior executive at several media companies.