By Naomi Serviss / New York City You’re not the only one having a horrible year. Queen Elizabeth II, the longest-reigning monarch in British history, is Covid-positive. Buckingham Palace confirmed she is experiencing mild symptoms but expects her to continue “light duties” at Windsor Castle over the coming week as she receives medical treatment. The Queen met with Charles earlier this month, before he was diagnosed with Covid for the second go-round. He went into isolation. He had previously contracted a mild case in March 2020 when the pandemic first engulfed Britain. Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, her husband of 73 years, died in April after living a robust 99 years under public scrutiny. The Covid threat had prompted the Royal duo to sequester in regal quarantine at Windsor Castle for more than a year. The Firm is teetering on tenterhooks— swatting and quashing the latest scandal. Which would be Prince Andrew, the Queen’s second son, a Bacchus acolyte who doesn’t sweat. As he smugly claims. He’s now banished from wearing fancy royal duds and representing the family. Reports allege that Andrew visited his mum several times last week for more than a royal tongue-lashing. He faced the maternal music, got his comeuppance and was cut off from the royal apron strings. And he coughed up a few million to settle some legal scores. Fallout from playing with Jeffrey Epstein, the late and disgraced financier-turned-convicted sex offender. The Queen’s rebellious (can you blame him?) grandkid Prince Harry spilled the royal legumes on Oprah. Not well-received. The Queen runs a tight ship. Some say she’s become more compassionate since Princess Diana’s incandescence swept the world and pulled back the curtains shrouding the royals. Others need more convincing. Yearlong celebrations marking the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee Year began on February 2nd. Her Majesty officially welcomed Camilla to be known as the Queen Consort when Prince Charles reigns. I’m still bitter about how Princess Diana was emotionally starved in her nightmare marriage. The royal family was initially silent after Diana’s death, blindsided by the world’s outpouring of grief and personal loss. Their refusal to fly the flag at half-staff embittered the public. The Queen was out of touch with her subjects’ shock and grief. Only after walking around the makeshift memorial at Buckingham Palace and seeing millions of mementoes, flowers and heartbroken notes, did the Queen realize how Diana really was The People’s Princess. It took years for Brits to forgive Charles for his infidelity and cruelty to his young wife. Camilla inched her way into public favor with her newfound legitimacy and earthiness. Queen Elizabeth’s impeccable style and grace has been a constant from the get-go, from the empire’s end, the tumult of the ‘60s, labor battles, terrorism, Brexit to the Covid pandemic. When the Queen oversees her official June 13th birthday celebration, or Trooping the Colours, (Brit parlance), she’ll be seen waving from the Buckingham Palace balcony. Hopefully, Princes Harry and William will have buried the hatchet. Just not in each other’s backs. Royal Tidbits: According to Hugo Vickers, the Queen’s biographer, the Queen wears eye-catching neon ensembles for a purpose. “You have to be able to see that figure in a lemon coat and hat from far away,” he told the New York Times. A brilliant lime-green suit marked her 90th birthday celebration. She carries cash in her purse only on Sundays, for a church donation. Although her birthday is April 21, it’s celebrated in June. No need for her passport when traveling around the world. She speaks fluent French. Been on Facebook since 2010 and has both Twitter and Instagram accounts. Corgis are her favorite dog breed– she’s had more than 30 over her reign. Susan was her first Corgi and Whisper was her last. Her two dorgis (corgi and dachshund mixes) are Vulcan and Candy. Elizabeth is an established horsewoman. She periodically visits Kentucky stud farms. Her property and financial holdings have made her one of the world’s richest women. Long live the Queen! Naomi Serviss is a New York-based award-winning journalist whose work has been published in The New York Times, Newsday, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Highroads (AAA magazine), in-flight publications, spa and travel magazines and websites, including BroadwayWorld.com

By Emmy Serviss / Boston Two years into our global pandemic, and it seems as though we’re starting to get the hang of things. Wash your hands, wear a mask, get vaxxed, get boosted, be cautious with your personal bubbles, don’t open mouth kiss strangers – you know, the basics. So after two years of living cautiously, taking every safety precaution necessary and following the science, I only have one question. HOW THE HELL DID THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND GET COVID??? Granted, I know that the new Omicron variant is very contagious and more likely to infect people, even if they HAVE been vaccinated and boosted. But nevertheless, shouldn’t the Queen of England be one of the most protected individuals when it comes to Covid precautions? And yes, I know that she supposedly caught it from Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall, but if that’s the case – how did THEY get Covid and then were permitted within 6 feet of the Queen? Personally, I think the media is being fed lies about how the Queen contracted Covid, to cover up a Royal Scandal. So, in no particular order, here are my Top 10 alternative possibilities for how (and WHY) the Queen REALLY contracted Covid: #1 When Queen Elizabeth II declined the “Oldie of the Year” award from The Oldie Magazine in 2021, chairman Gyles Brandreth took the slight personally, and has since been planning his revenge. on “the old biddie.” #2 Even though the Platinum Jubilee is still months away, the idea of organizing a four-day weekend full of celebration was just too much bother, and the Queen is determined to have the event cancelled at all costs. #3 The Queen’s bodyguards watched the classic 1999 Eddie Izard comedy special Dress To Kill and decided that maybe Eddie was right, and the Queen was a little TOO safe. #4 February 14th was a week ago, and the incubation period for Covid-19 is about a week. CLEARLY her Royal Majesty had a hot date with a secret boyfriend and they did some serious Valentine’s Day smooching. #5 The unmarked and mute swans of the United Kingdom were sick and tired of being “owned” by Queen Elizabeth, and they decided that they needed to send a message to the Royal Family that they will no longer be acknowledging said law. #6 Two words: Covid Corgis. #7 The Queen doesn’t actually have Covid. Between her late-morning gin cocktail, wine lunches and evening glass of champagne, she’s just had a tad of a hangover. #8 Unbeknowst to most, the neon-green suit that her Majesty wore on her 90th birthday greatly damaged her immune system and left her in a weakened state, which made her more susceptible to contracting Covid. Let this be a lesson to all of you: wear neon colors with caution! #9 The Queen had finally worn every fancy feathered hat available in Great Britain, and now that her collection of caps had been exhausted, she was forced to feign illness to allow her haberdashers some time to create new headpieces. #10 The Queen of England was briefly hospitalized back in October 2021 and was released after only a day. OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE US THINK! Her Majesty has actually been in a highly guarded, top-secret luxury suite at an undisclosed hospital THE ENTIRE TIME, and the Royal Family has enacted a cover-up based on the 1993 comedy Dave, and a fake Queen Elizabeth II has been holding court since then. This new supposed Covid case is actually the bait-and-switch to bring back the real Queen of England. Are these theories far-fetched and ridiculous? Yes. Are these theories pure speculation and based upon absolutely no evidence? Also yes. But don’t try to tell me that any of my theories are more absurd than the long-standing conspiracy theory that the members of the Royal Family are really descendants from Lizard People who are primed to overtake the world for domination at any moment. Actually…maybe the Lizard People are the ones who dropped Covid on the human race to begin with. Maybe this is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a cough. But personally, my money is still on the corgis. Emmy Serviss is a Boston-based writer, actor and video editor. Once it is safe to return to live theater, you can find her performing with ComedySportz Boston and the sketch group SUZZY. When not on the stage, Emmy enjoys indulging in her new pandemic hobbies, laughing way too loudly and counting the days until Halloween.

By Laurence Lerman / New York City The closest Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has ever come to movie stardom was back in 2012, when a tuxedoed Daniel Craig, in the guise of James Bond 007, escorted her to the opening of the Olympic Games in London. The event was actually a short film directed by Danny Boyle as part of the opening ceremonies for the Games. Shot on location at Buckingham Palace, it finds the Queen greeting everyone’s favorite British Secret Service agent in her drawing room with a demure “Good evening, Mr. Bond.” With her beloved corgis scampering about and leading the way, Her Royal Highness joins Bond at the palace’s helipad, “hops” on board and then flies over her kingdom to the Olympic stadium. It was indeed a fun bit—and truly a thrill to see. And watching the Queen parachute out of the helicopter a few minutes later was even wilder! (Okay, it was a body double.…) Queen Elizabeth has never actually acted in a movie. That’s not what she’s supposed to do. But her life and reign and actions have served as the stuff of screens small and large for many years, particularly over the past two decades. Be they comic or dramatic, on television or in the movies, the one thing all these depictions have in common is that they give her the respect that comes with almost 70 years of grace on the throne, making her the longest-reigning monarch in the history of Britain. Here are a half-dozen of her most notable on-screen “appearances:” The Queen (2006) Directed by Stephen Frears A few years after she was a made a Dame Order of the British Empire (DBE) in 2003, Helen Mirren brought honor and dignity to the role of Her Majesty as she struggles to understand the feeling of the people of England following the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Dame Helen won both an Academy Award and England’s BAFTA Film Award for her nuanced portrayal. The King's Speech (2010) Directed by Tom Hooper In her motion picture debut, young Freya Wilson is pert and precious as 9-year-old Princess Elizabeth, darling daughter to her father, King George VI, as he attempts to overcome his painful stammer. It’s a very small part, to be sure, but adds nice detail and genuine feeling to this Academy Award winner for Best Picture. The Simpsons, Season 15 (2003) Directed by Jim Reardon and Mark Kirkland An admirably animated image of the Queen appeared in no fewer than six episodes of the legendary American TV staple. Elizabeth’s finest turn by far is in the Season 15 installment “The Regina Monologues,” wherein the Simpsons are on vacation in London and Homer accidentally backs his rental car into the Royal Carriage, prompting the Queen to sentence him to imprisonment in the Tower of London. She ultimately pardons the idiotic American after he apologizes, but only under the condition that the Simpson family take Madonna with them when they leave England. A Royal Night Out (2015) Directed by Julian Jarrold Canada’s Sarah Gadon stars as an 18-year-old Elizabeth who joins her sister Margaret on V.E. Day in 1945 as they slip into disguises and away from their escorts to embark on an evening of adventure, excitement and a possible go at romance. Director Jarrold keeps the goings-on saucy but sweet in this largely fictional comedy-drama that masks the reality that the sisters did hit the town, but they were in a group of 16 and returned home relatively early. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988) Directed by David Zucker While on an extended visit to Los Angeles, Her Majesty endures all manner of affectionate physical comedy with Leslie Nielsen’s intrepid law enforcer Lt. Frank Drebin in this beloved comedy from the team that brought you Airplane!. The Queen is portrayed here by actress Jeanette Charles, who for decades was the screen’s reigning Elizabeth II look-alike, with credits that included Saturday Night Live (1977), The Rutles: All You Need Is Cash (1978), National Lampoon’s European Vacation (1985) and Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002). The Crown (2016-2020) Directed by Benjamin Caron, Philip Martin, Stephen Daldry and others Over the course of four seasons and forty hour-long episodes, the wildly popular Netflix series has taken a deep, detailed dive into the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth II. The first two seasons featured Claire Foy during Her Majesty’s younger years, while Seasons 3 and 4 found Olivia Colman taking on the royal mantle. The production and performances are sterling across the board, with Foy and Colman each garnering Emmy Awards and Screen Actors Guild Awards for their work. Laurence Lerman is a film journalist, former editor of Video Business--Variety's DVD trade publication--and husband to The Insider's own Gwen Cooper. Over the course of his career he has conducted one-on-one interviews with just about every major director working today, including Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, Kathryn Bigelow, Ridley Scott, Walter Hill, Spike Lee, and Werner Herzog, among numerous others. Once James Cameron specifically requested an interview with Laurence by name, which his wife still likes to brag about. Most recently, he is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the online review site DiscDish.com.

By Andy Borowitz February 10, 2022 AKRON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—In a remarkable discovery, a customer who purchased a MyPillow duvet found it stuffed with classified documents from the desk of Donald J. Trump. Carol Foyler, who lives in Akron, Ohio, said that, after she accidentally tore open the duvet, a trove of shredded documents came spilling out. After she began taping together the documents, she found several relating to national defense, including an order from Trump to send a birthday cake to the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Foyler said that, once she finishes reconstituting the documents, she will send them to the National Archives in Washington for safekeeping. “Obviously, it’s not ideal to find classified documents inside a random duvet, but so far I haven’t seen the nuclear codes,” she said. Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

Fred Plotkin, a pleasure activist and passionate Italy and culinary expert, speaks each Friday with leading people in the arts FRED PLOTKIN is one of America’s foremost experts on opera and has distinguished himself in many fields as a writer, speaker, consultant and as a compelling teacher. He is an expert on everything Italian, the person other so-called Italy experts turn to for definitive information.  Fred discovered the concept of "The Renaissance Man" as a small child and has devoted himself to pursuing that ideal as the central role of his life. In a “Public Lives” profile in The New York Times on August 30, 2002, Plotkin was described as "one of those New York word-of-mouth legends, known by the cognoscenti for his renaissance mastery of two seemingly separate disciplines: music and the food of Italy." In the same publication, on May 11, 2006, it was written that "Fred is a New Yorker, but has the soul of an Italian."

By Jessie Seigel / Washington, D.C. Over the course of his presidency, Donald Trump ripped and shredded government documents like he was trying to compensate for a national shortage of confetti. According to the Washington Post, “he tore up briefings and schedules, articles and letters, memos both sensitive and mundane.” And he ripped documents “into quarters with two big, clean strokes — or occasionally more vigorously, into smaller scraps.” Last week, former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman told MSNBC, “After [Trump attorney] Michael Cohen left the office and I walked into the Oval, Donald—in my view—was chewing what he had just torn up.” One can only imagine how damaging to him that document must have been. It appears that Trump even tried to flush documents down the toilet. Maggie Haberman, White House correspondent for the New York Times and author of the forthcoming Trump biography, Confidence Man, told CNN, “I learned that staff in the White House residence would periodically find the toilet clogged, the engineer would have to come and fix it and what the engineer would find would be wads of, you know, clumped up, wet, printed paper, meaning it was not toilet paper.” That certainly would explain why Trump repeatedly complained at his rallies that White House toilets had to be flushed 15 times to get them to work! Within a nanosecond, the bathroom allegations were dubbed ‘Flushgate.” Trump, of course, denies he flushed papers down White House toilets. But who other than a MAGA cultist would now believe a man whose life’s avocation is crying wolf? The Presidential Records Act requires all documents of a president’s administration to be preserved. Therefore, the Washington Post reported, aides from the Office of the Staff Secretary or the Oval Office Operations team “would come in behind Trump to retrieve the piles of torn paper he left in his wake.” Then, staffers from the White House Office of Records Management were “responsible for jigsawing the documents back together, using clear tape.” Sometimes the ripped documents were lying in the Oval Office or the White House residence; sometimes they had been placed in classified burn bags. In addition, when Trump left the White House last year, he took with him to Mar-a-Lago, numerous boxes of documents that should have gone to the National Archives. The Archives demanded the documents back. After months of tug-of-war negotiations, the agency finally received 15 boxes in mid-January, including some ripped documents that had not been reconstructed. Trump representatives claim they are searching to see if there are more. The Presidential Records Act Documents that must be preserved under the Presidential Records Act include memos, letters, emails, faxes, and other written communications related to a president’s decision-making and official duties. Under federal law, the punishment for anyone who “willfully and unlawfully conceals, removes, mutilates, obliterates, falsifies or destroys” documents in their custody are a fine, imprisonment for up to three years, and—most consequential—the violator is “disqualified from holding any office under the United States.” The Act was passed in 1978, after former President Richard Nixon’s destruction of tapes related to his Watergate scandal, in order to prevent future cover-ups of criminal actions by presidents and their administrations. One could argue that the Act’s maximum prison sentence should be stiffer. But three years is still something. And what poetic justice it would be for the man who so vociferously decried Hilary Clinton’s mistaken use of a private server for emails—and who enthusiastically led his rallies in chants of “Lock her up”—to end locked up himself for the deliberate obstructive destruction of documents. But even more important—Trump could never again hold federal office. Though prosecution under the act has been rare, it is not unknown. In 2005, former President Bill Clinton’s National Security Advisor Sandy Berger pled guilty to a misdemeanor for unauthorized removal and retention of classified material from the National Archives. Berger was fined, sentenced to two years of probation plus 100 hours of community service, and ultimately gave up his license to practice law. Trump’s Transgressions Some of the items which Trump absconded with when he left the White House are, comparatively speaking, penny ante, like the letter President Barack Obama had left for him, and the weather map Trump defaced with a black Sharpie marker in a ridiculous effort to support his Twitter declaration contradicting weather forecasts about the path of Hurricane Dorian. Trump also took a mini model of the wall he wanted built at our southern border and a model of a redesign he had proposed for Air Force One. The mini model of the black border wall sits on his desk in his private Mar-a-Lago office. And the model plane sits on a coffee table at the entrance to Mar-a-Lago’s gold-plated lobby. Taking these as souvenirs was improper and they must, of course, be returned to the National Archives. But most of Trump’s document transgressions are far more serious. Trump took away with him correspondence with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un that he had once described as “love letters.” Furthermore, according to Maggie Haberman, Trump told others that he has remained in contact with the North Korean leader since leaving the White House. This raises a question concerning the nature of that contact—whether Trump is, as a private citizen, attempting to meddle in foreign policy. Even more concerning, some of the documents in the 15 boxes finally delivered to the Archives were marked classified or top secret. One must wonder what Trump was intending to do with them. Would he have sold them for profit? Might he have traded the information in them to support a defection to Putin’s Russia if he ever gets indicted and convicted for any of his actions? And precisely what in the documents Trump tore up, ate, or stuffed into toilets was he trying to hide? The Washington Post reported that the over 700 pages of documents that the Archives turned over to the January 6 committee in January included papers that were torn up and reconstructed. And when the committee asked for documents related to Trump’s pressuring of Vice President Mike Pence, some of them no longer existed because they had been shredded. Even worse, although it is known that Trump had numerous phone conversations during the January 6 insurrection, there are very few calls in the White House’s official call logs on that date. This raises the question of whether Trump was using a personal phone or the phones of aides and others in order to conceal the conversations. Will Trump Be Held Accountable? Last week, after discovering documents labeled classified among the returned boxes, the Archives asked the Department of Justice (DOJ) to investigate former President Trump’s handling of White House records since leaving office. In addition, according to The Independent, the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington sent a letter to the DOJ asking that it “investigate whether former President Trump violated criminal laws by willfully destroying and mutilating his presidential records while in office.” According to the Washington Post, the Archive’s referral “has prompted internal discussions” among federal prosecutors about possibly investigating. But just as with all the other Trump actions that should be investigated, there is no indication whether Attorney General Merrick Garland’s DOJ will do so. In fact, DOJ’s first reaction was to suggest that the Archives’ Inspector General investigate. One wonders whether there is anything at all related to Trump’s malfeasance that timid mister mouse Garland will dare to pursue. The Hill has suggested that even if Trump is found to have held on to official records, prosecution would be difficult, requiring the DOJ to show that the former president intended to conceal important documents. Charles Tiefer, former counsel to the House of Representatives who teaches at the University of Baltimore School of Law, told the Washington Post that although willful and unlawful intent to destroy or conceal would be criminal, “You can’t prosecute for just tearing up papers. You would have to show him being highly selective and have evidence that he wanted to behave unlawfully.” Some of Trump’s former aides have tried to make exculpatory excuses for his document desecrations. They’ve suggested that, because Trump was indiscriminate in what he tore up, they viewed it as just a quirk rather than a deliberate effort to avoid public scrutiny. One unnamed former Trump White House official told the Washington Post, “I don’t think he did this out of malicious intent to avoid complying with the Presidential Records Act.” The official added, “As long as he’s been in business, he’s been very transactional and it was probably his longtime practice and I don’t think his habits changed when he got to the White House.” However, that Trump has habitually destroyed documents throughout his pre-presidency career does not relieve him of responsibility for his actions. Who knows? Perhaps he previously destroyed documents to conceal shady business practices. Perhaps he learned an early lesson from Nixon’s downfall: leave no paper trail. In any event, Trump clearly knew the law concerning presidential records when he repeatedly broke it. He knew it when he called for Hilary Clinton to be “locked up” for allegedly mishandling emails. And he plainly stated that knowledge in February 2020, when Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed her disdain for his divisive message by tearing up her copy of his State of the Union address in front of the entire House and Senate. Trump told reporters: “Well I thought it was a terrible thing when she ripped up the speech. First of all, it’s an official document. You’re not allowed. It’s illegal what she did. She broke the law.” Although Trump did not cite a specific law, according to USA Today, his son, Donald Trump Jr. and other cronies claimed Pelosi had violated the Presidential Records Act. Pelosi was only tearing up a copy she and many others had received. It was not an official document, and she was not breaking the law. However, Trump’s statement makes it quite clear that he knew destroying presidential documents was illegal. Furthermore, according to the Washington Post, a former senior administration official said Trump was repeatedly warned about the Presidential Records Act by then White House counsel Donald McGahn, as well as his first two chiefs of staff, Reince Priebus, and John F. Kelly. The open question at this point is whether Donald Trump will be permitted to use the illegal destruction and confiscation of public documents to obstruct legitimate investigations of his suspect activities—documents that could shed light on his part in the January 6 insurrection, the fake elector scandal, and others. Congress is attempting to do its job. House Oversight Committee Chair Rep. Carolyn Maloney of New York told the Washington Post that her committee plans to investigate the records matter to ensure “records from the Trump Administration are with the National Archives where they belong, rather than stashed away in Trump’s golf resorts.” But the House does not have enforcement authority, or any ability to prosecute for wrongdoing. That belongs to the DOJ. Those who suggest that penalties under the Presidential Records Act have little in the way of teeth, should remember that Al Capone was not convicted for his many violent crimes but for the seemingly more sedate, white-collar crime of tax evasion. And while some suggest prosecution for violation of the Presidential Records Act could be difficult, where justice—let alone crimes affecting the nation—are involved, DOJ should not limit itself to taking on only easy, open-and-shut prosecutions. Merrick Garland needs to get up off his sitting bones and have the DOJ do something while we still have a shred of the Rule of Law left. Political columnist Jessie Seigel had a long career as a government attorney in which she honed her analytic skills. She has also twice received an Artist’s Fellowship from the Washington, D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities for her fiction, and has been a finalist for a number of literary awards. In addition, Seigel is an associate editor at the Potomac Review, a reviewer for The Washington Independent Review of Books, and a dabbler in political cartoons at Daily Kos. Of this balance in her work between the analytic and the imaginative, Seigel jokes, “I guess my right and left brains are well-balanced.” More on and from Seigel can be found at The Adventurous Writer, https://www.jessieseigel.com.

By Carly Mitchell / New York City (The author, a public-school teacher, is using a pseudonym for professional reasons) My apologies, T.S. Eliot, but I have to disagree. April is not the cruelest month. These days, it’s March. Last March, while I was teaching high school virtually, I felt optimistic. Remote learning was a nightmare, but it seemed like a new dawn was approaching. Vaccines were becoming widely available, mandatory state tests for students were canceled, and I was certain that the New Normal was going to mean more positive changes in the New York City school system. Perhaps a future in which (dare I even put this thought into the universe?) there were no more state tests at all. Alas, the New Normal is an unfortunate step back to the Old Normal. This March, the loathsome ELA state tests (English Language Arts) return to the stage. This is not an exciting performance. Rather, the students and the teachers at the middle school in Brooklyn where I currently teach would prefer to sit in the audience and throw tomatoes. As I wrote last week in “Why Can’t Pandemic Johnny Read," my seventh graders are reading on average at a fourth grade level. Some even read at a first-grade level. It should come as no surprise to readers that the achievement gap between poor, urban Title 1 schools (like mine) and wealthier, better-resourced non-Title 1 schools is a very real thing. Pair that with the pandemic and you have yourself a literacy travesty. So why must the ELA state test show go on? I’ll tell you why. Because of data. The most important educational buzzword of the past few years. And while yes, data is important, at some point we need to consider the reality of our current situation and perhaps reevaluate whether state tests are really the most accurate way of collecting that data. I take issue with testing as a performance indicator for schools in general, but I especially take issue with it in the midst of a global pandemic. I am going to be as candid as possible here. The ELA state test is incredibly boring. It is comprised of a series of questions--multiple choice, short response, and essay–based on excerpts from literary and informational texts. The excerpts are usually uninteresting (although every once in a while, you may find a diamond in the rough) and the multiple-choice questions are often tricky and meant to confuse students. I feel that the practice of “teaching to the test” deters young people from appreciating literature. If we have to administer state tests, can’t we at least make the passages somewhat interesting? Is that too much to ask? Alas, it is crunch time. In order to ensure that our students are as prepared as possible, teachers are hosting morning preparation sessions from 7:15- 8:00 a.m, (school begins at 8:10 a.m.) and afternoon sessions on Wednesdays and Thursdays from 2:30-4 p.m, (the end of the school day). We are of course paid for these “zero periods” as they are called. I will be teaching as many of these sessions as I can , because I, as every teacher does, need the extra money, and hope that my students attend. Our classroom curriculum will also be transformed. Three periods a week are now designated official test prep periods. But I am already anticipating challenges. For example, how do I teach seventh-grade test material when there are so many students who are below grade level? How do I help these students feel encouraged rather than discouraged? How can I ramp up engagement in order to prepare students who have not sat through a very long and tedious three-day test since they were in the fourth grade? I suppose I will have to navigate these challenges as they arise and anticipate. Until then, I will eagerly await April. Carly Mitchell (a pseudonym) is a public-school teacher in Brooklyn N.Y. who loves to learn, to educate, and to expose the hypocrisy of New York City politicians.

By Laurence Lerman / New York City I was still a year away from becoming a teenager when I first saw 2001: A Space Odyssey with my dad, during one of its many theatrical revivals during the ‘70s. Admittedly, Stanley Kubrick’s monumental, speculative sci-fi adventure of 1968 was too challenging for me at the time. I had seen 1975’s Rollerball with my dad a few weeks earlier (now that was one this 12-year-old could follow!), but 2001’s’ staggering visual power wholly overwhelmed me. The “Dawn of Man” opening, the disabling of the Hal-9000 computer, the vastness of space as it envelopes a lone spaceship—it was all simply too spectacular. But the first two of hours of 2001 were only a drumroll for the film’s final half hour, in which astronaut David Bowman (Keir Dullea), in his tiny one-man pod, is pulled into a whooshing vortex of colored lights while orbiting a moon of Jupiter. The vividness and fluidity of the colors, the textures of the phenomena that whooshes past Bowman’s transfixed eyes, the strangely luminous landscapes—it all signaled a kind of cosmic happening. It was as if the mysteries of the universe were unfolding in front of one lone man—not to mention one lone kid (me) and everyone else in the theater. That ending, known as the “Stargate sequence,” and a number of other spectacular images from landmark science fiction films of the past half-century, were the work of visual effects master Douglas Trumbull, who died on Monday, February 7, in Albany, N.Y. Trumbull, frequently billed as a “special photographic effects” director or supervisor on the films that benefitted from his contributions, was 79. The cause was complications of mesothelioma. Visual effects pioneer Trumbull, the Los Angeles-born son of Donald Trumbull, an artist and engineer who worked on the effects of The Wizard of Oz (!), broke into the Hollywood effects business via a short sci-fi flick he made in the early ‘60s, prophetically entitled To The Moon and Beyond. It caught the attention of Stanley Kubrick, who was beginning work on the project that would become 2001, and he soon hired Trumbull to develop the film’s mind-blowing, psychedelically inspired climax. Trumbull used his always-growing skillset involving work with slit-scan photography, graphic arts, physical models, high-tech cameras and lens, varying film speeds—a host of techniques far too complex for me to grasp—to make his presence known with dazzling sequences in such key films in the sci-fi canon as Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), Robert Wise’s Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) and Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner (1982). Trumbull directed two films of his own—the environmentally conscious space drama Silent Running (1972) and the espionage-tinged sci-fier Brainstorm (1982), neither of which were well-received. But they sure had some amazing effects. After more or less retiring from big-budget Hollywood filmmaking following Brainstorm, Trumbull was lured back after nearly 30 years away to contribute to Terrence Malick’s 2011’s The Tree of Life. A fan of Trumbull’s work, Mallick apparently did not like the look of modern-day, computer-generated effects and wanted a different feel for his “Dawn of Creation” segment, which in 20 minutes depicts the Earth’s creation in the cosmos and the first stirrings of life on the planet after it cools. Trumbull reportedly asked Mallick, “Why not do it the way we did it on 2001?” So Trumbull was signed on as a consultant and worked with Tree’s effects supervisor in using technologies he had worked with more than 40 years earlier on a classic film of another era. From 2001’s “Dawn of Man” to The Tree of Life’s “Dawn of Creation”—and all the flying cars, interplanetary excursions and warp-speed simulations between—Douglas Trumbull was always there to open our eyes and blow our minds. Laurence Lerman is a film journalist, former editor of Video Business--Variety's DVD trade publication--and husband to The Insider's own Gwen Cooper. Over the course of his career he has conducted one-on-one interviews with just about every major director working today, including Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, Kathryn Bigelow, Ridley Scott, Walter Hill, Spike Lee, and Werner Herzog, among numerous others. Once James Cameron specifically requested an interview with Laurence by name, which his wife still likes to brag about. Most recently, he is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the online review site DiscDish.com.

One film journalist’s stream-of-consciousness cinematic journey through the pandemic, Part 71 By Laurence Lerman / New York City There’s a lot about The Tragedy of Macbeth to attract media attention. The new film, written and directed by Joel Coen, is the first ever directed by one of the celebrated Coen brothers without the other’s involvement. Moreover, it stars Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand as the ultimate power couple in what critics and audiences have deemed an outstanding version of Shakespeare’s so-called “Scottish Play.” The Bard would not be displeased: the film was nominated on February 8 for three Academy Awards, including one for Washington for Best Actor, It may be a first for Joel Coen,, but it’s hardly a first for Hollywood as The Tragedy of Macbeth is only the latest in a long line of filmed versions of Macbeth. The cinematic lineage of the 1606 Elizabethan play began with a 1908 silent American film directed by James Stuart Blackton. The earliest known film version of the play, it runs about eight minutes and was produced when motion picture technology itself was only about 10 years old. It hasn’t been seen in over a century and it’s not known if any print of the film still exists. Such is also the case with a 1916 silent version starring Herbert Beebohm Tree and Constance Collier. Directed by John Emerson, produced by D.W. Griffith and shot by Victor Fleming, it’s also considered to be a lost film with only a couple of stills on hand to physically confirm that it was ever made. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of other cinematic takes of the tragedy out there to sink your teeth into, should you wish to brush up your Shakespeare after seeing the most recent outing. Dozens of filmed versions of Macbeth have been produced around the world since the end of the silent era by filmmakers who probably weren’t as interested in box office returns as they were in unleashing their own interpretations of one of Shakespeare’s most popular and adaptable works. Presented in chronological order, here are six of the more notable ones, all of which are available to stream tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Macbeth (1948) Directed by Orson Welles Welles wrote, directed, produced and starred in his adaptation alongside Jeanette Nolan, who made her movie debut as here as Lady Macbeth (after Tallulah Bankhead turned down the role). Strikingly cinematic and evocative—Welles visualized his Macbeth’s violent setting as “a perfect cross between Wuthering Heights and Bride of Frankenstein—it’s the version that most influenced the visual style of Joel Coen’s new edition. Though the poorly received low-budget film was plagued with post-production problems, including a complete re-recording of the actors on the soundtrack, over the years it has come to be regarded as one of Welles’ most fascinating efforts. Throne of Blood (1957) Directed by Akira Kurosawa The masterful Kurosawa, just coming off his international smash The Seven Samurai (1955), shifted the play’s action to feudal Japan, amping up the tragedy of a blindly ambitious general and his manipulative wife to operatic grandeur. Perfectly complementing a tone that’s flavored with the style of a samurai epic and elements drawn from Japan’s larger-than-life Noh theatre is the legendary Toshiro Mifune, whose snarling ascent to royal power is one of his most memorable performances. Mifune’s violent demise as he is turned into a human pincushion in a barrage of arrows remains one of the most jaw-droppingly satisfying endings ever depicted on film, let alone in a Shakespeare adaptation. Macbeth (1971) Directed by Roman Polanski The most literal and vivid of version of Macbeth was primarily shot on the moors and in the castles of Wales and Northern England and is dripping with mood and atmosphere. Polanski’s leading players are a volatile, paranoid duo whose descent into madness only grows in anger and violence until their inevitable end. Produced only two years after the brutal murder of Polanski’s wife Sharon Tate by the Manson Family cult, the film features as graphic a depiction of Macbeth’s beheading as I’ve ever seen, while Lady’s Macbeth’s nude sleepwalking scene is bizarre and memorable. (The film was produced by Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, so that could help explain the nudity.) Macbeth (1978) Directed by Phillip Casson Performed live and recorded for broadcast on the BBC, this Macbeth is definitely the least visual adaptation of the bunch, with scenery, costumes and camera movement kept to a minimum. Clocking in at two hours and twenty-five minutes, it’s also one of the longest ones out there, with the primary focus kept on the text and oration. But when you’ve got Ian McKellen and Judi Dench doing what they do in this theater-in-the-round staged presentation (years before they were adorned with their “Sir” and “Dame titles), you know it’s the material and thesping that’s going to take center stage. Men of Respect (1991) Directed by William Reilly John Turturro plays a rising gangster in Brooklyn’s D’Amico crime family who’s prodded by his wife (Katherine Borowitz) to get his gun on and strive to move up the ladder to the top slot. Writer/director Reilly’s setting of the film in the milieu of organized crime is inspired and nearly organic when one thinks about, even if it doesn’t wholly click. Real-life spouses Turturro and Borowitz bring on the passion in their portrayals of the borough baddies, and they’re ably supported by the familiar presence of such strong co-stars as Rod Steiger, Dennis Farina, Stanley Tucci and Peter Boyle. Maqbool (2003) Directed by Vishal Bhardwaj The first of veteran Indian filmmaker Vishal Bhardwaj’s three Shakespeare adaptations (followed by 2006’s Omkara from Othello and 2014’s Haider from Hamlet), Maqbool sets the ruthless action in the corrupt Mumbai underworld. Like Reilly with Men of Respect, Bhardway takes some liberties with the story—the titular bad boy is the right-hand man to an underworld chieftain and the three witches are transformed into a pair of clairvoyant cops who take a more active part in the story—but the tale remains rich and strong. Though a box office failure, Bollywood veterans Irrfan Khan and Tabu garnered acclaim and a par of Indian’s National Film Awards for their performances. Laurence Lerman is a film journalist, former editor of Video Business--Variety's DVD trade publication--and husband to The Insider's own Gwen Cooper. Over the course of his career he has conducted one-on-one interviews with just about every major director working today, including Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, Kathryn Bigelow, Ridley Scott, Walter Hill, Spike Lee, and Werner Herzog, among numerous others. Once James Cameron specifically requested an interview with Laurence by name, which his wife still likes to brag about. Most recently, he is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the online review site DiscDish.com.

By Naomi Serviss / New York City My coping mechanisms are toast. I’m flailing and short-tempered. And I was doing so well these past two years. Some months, at least. Now I’d like to file a complaint. Question is: to whom? Here’s what temporarily assuaged my stinky disposition (Covid’s fault, natch): Yoga in the Park Meditation Letter writing Art projects Central Park morning walks Netflix bingeing Zooming Reading Sugarless scones Interneting But this latest Covid mask confusion has grated raw my last achy breaky nerve. See that white flag hoisted from the 10th floor of an Upper West Side prewar building? Mine. The mask decree-or-not-decree gives me a headache in my eye. I’m weighing my mask options, donning one in stores and restaurants. Or when passing gaggles of workmen lunch-breaking and smoking. Besides, it keeps my nose warm. And it’s a handy nose blotter on those brisk days. Construction crews proliferate when Spring prematurely threads the air. Next door, workmen concocted a pedestrian walkway with green planked walls and a NO SMOKING sign, ignored. It’s an unpleasant conduit for humans and canines who grudgingly share the claustrophobic space. My newly adopted 9-lb. pup Janis eye-pleads to be carried through this terrifying juncture. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t mind being hefted Cleopatra-like. A 22-story luxury building is being erected with great fanfare next to ours, Monday through Saturday from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Not a toe-tapping orchestral fanfare. I’m talking air horns, hammering, drilling, back-up truck beeps, concrete smashing and other auditory insults which have been poisoning our lives for two years. It’ll be at least another year. Three elegant brownstones were sacrificed so no Central Park millionaire views would be obscured. I’m also mad as hell like Howard Beale in Network. Nothing’s any good, to steal a Joni Mitchell lyric. The rent’s too damn high, electricity bills are shocking and Café Bustelo just jacked up their prices. To recap, the relaxed mask mandates are making me twitchy, not joyous. The MASKS MUST BE WORN IN SHARED PUBLIC SPACES sign has been stripped off the elevator wall. Now what? Will the doormen follow suit? (And what kind of idiom is “follow suit”?) Does that mean we’re out of the proverbial pandemic woods? I’ve become an existential malingerer, cranky and insatiably hungry to boot. Like the character in a story I wrote for my daughter, Moody Melinda. Where’s the sunny side of the street during these barren, wintry days? The delightful 60-degree days are cruel. Those belong in April, not on Presidents’ Day. (It’s a poem reference.) My mornings begin at 5 a.m., before next door’s construction begins. It’s pitch black, quiet and no dogs need walking. Espresso is dribbling through the unbleached filtered, Chemex coffee canister not fast enough. The first cup is life-affirming. Second is manna. Just enough Hazelnut creamer (no sugar!) for café au lait, reminiscent of Paris weeks. I check email and churn through websites like there’s a butter shortage. Irony isn’t dead, just stunned. Humor is gone with the wind, or maybe that was just gas. My gratitude journal is merely another dust collector on the tchotchke shelf. It’s half-full (or half-baked) rather than half-empty. Wait. Is that a shift in my emotional temperature? Am I harboring a fugitive optimist? I am a Sagittarius, so odds are good. Who am I kidding? I’m Ms. Resilient! With a natural bent towards happyish endings. Deep down inside, I secretly know those bad moods are temporary albatrosses. Like so many recurring nightmares, they will finally slip off into the ether. There’s much to reconsider when flailing about at my sage age. In theory, at least. My husband and I are still nuts for each other. Our kids are navigating tempestuous seas, knowing they are unconditionally loved. The tiny white Maltese asleep at my feet just sighed deeply. Moody Melinda doesn’t stand a chance. Naomi Serviss is a New York-based award-winning journalist whose work has been published in The New York Times, Newsday, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Highroads (AAA magazine), in-flight publications, spa and travel magazines and websites, including BroadwayWorld.com

By John Rolfe / Red Hook, N.Y. The so-called “Freedom Convoy” that created a state of emergency on Canada’s border with the U.S. drew supporters who were enthusiastically resisting Covid-19 prevention measures such as mask mandates, lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Nearly 90% of Canada’s truckers are reportedly fully vaccinated but some angrily object to a two-week quarantine if they aren’t and they blocked the border. This loud, obnoxious minority and its American counterparts have enormous power to wreak havoc on the economy and public health. Their movement is growing in other countries such as France, where a recent convoy protest drew a tear-gas response. It’s threatened to become more aggressive in America, where Senator Rand Paul expressed hope that furious truckers “clog up” our cities. All of this is typical of a mindset made worse by the pandemic: rules, regulations and laws you don’t like are for other people. Rage against even sensible restrictions is everywhere now: in stores, hospitals and restaurants, on airlines, trains and buses, and at schools and school board meetings. Insults and even assaults are common in all these places. Oh, the tyranny and discomfort of having to wear a mask! A reasonable choice — get vaccinated or take a free weekly test — is an outrage if it means having to do something to protect others from being infected. To me, this “freedom” movement is more about freedom from rules, even sensible ones. Disdain for law and tradition wasn’t created by Donald Trump, but he personified and encouraged it while taking incivility to new lows. In office, he snubbed his successor, brazenly violated the Hatch Act and Emoluments Clause, used his position to pursue a political vendetta against Joe Biden and his family, ordered his administration to ignore Congressional subpoenas, and tried to overturn the 2020 election on bogus grounds of voter fraud. Upon departing office, Trump illegally removed and allegedly destroyed classified documents. All of this on top of chiseling on his taxes in the time-honored tradition of the super wealthy. I have to suspect this thought has occurred to more than a few people who admire and support Trump: “Hey, if he doesn’t have to follow rules and laws, why should I? Look where it got him! He’s filthy rich, famous, adored by millions, and one of the most powerful people on Earth!” Thanks to Trump and the misinformation industry, truth itself has become just another annoying obstacle. Don’t like reality? Make something up that you like better. Outrage has reached the point of utter mindlessness. Exhibit A is the anti-vaxxers, who would rather catch Covid and die from it than simply take the jab. Then there is the daily whack-a-doodle-ism of the kind I witnessed while driving home from work the other night. I was in a line of traffic on a two-lane road, much of it marked with a double yellow line that made passing illegal. My lane was moving under the 55 mph limit, because the lead car was doing about 35 with its hazard lights on. Eventually, the cars directly behind it began pulling out and passing, double yellow be damned. But one clown stayed in the oncoming lane next to the struggling car, as if taunting its driver. After a half minute or so (during which I was sure a head-on collision was inevitable and found myself shamefully hoping for a near miss), the idiot slowed, pulled in behind the blinking car, and suddenly darted around to its right side. Now the moron was on the shoulder, gesturing until he finally cut out in front and slowed before finally roaring off. What was going through that guy’s mind, assuming he still has one? I often wonder the same thing when people tailgate me with their high beams on or run the red lights and extended stop signs on the school bus I drive as my day job. The violation carries a $300 fine and five points tacked onto your license. Kids have been hit and killed after exiting a bus. Thankfully, we now have cameras that automatically record and report such illegal passes but they still happen much too frequently. And I still get the finger from angry motorists indignant at having to wait a minute or two while I pick up and discharge students. The trucker protest in Ontario has been fraught with potential for violence, and it supposedly underscores how sick people are of Covid and its related restrictions. Well, too bad. We can rant and rage all we want, but the bug is boss. Being hospitalized or dying makes you free, I suppose, but in a very perverse way. I fail to see how millions of sick people make for a healthy economy. What’s truly ominous is the rise in violence and shooting incidents, hate crime and the brazen looting of stores around the country. There are an estimated 400 million guns in the hands of Americans and legislators in states such as Texas are pushing open carry laws with no requirements for licensing or safety training. Florida has its infamous Stand Your Ground statute that cost Treyvon Martin his life while it made his killer George Zimmerman a celebrity. Feel threatened? Just ventilate your possible assailant. Meanwhile our polarized political atmosphere threatens to boil over and probably will after the midterm elections in November and the presidential contest 2024. Where and how does this madness end? I shudder to think. John Rolfe is a former senior editor for Sports Illustrated for Kids, a longtime columnist for the Poughkeepsie Journal/USA Today Network, and author of The Goose in the Bathroom: Stirring Tales of Family Life. His school bus drivin’ blog “Hellions, Mayhem and Brake Failure” is parked on his website Celestialchuckle.com (https://celestialchuckle.com) with the meter running.