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God Save the Queen (From Covid-19)

By Emmy Serviss / Boston


Two years into our global pandemic, and it seems as though we’re starting to get the hang of things. Wash your hands, wear a mask, get vaxxed, get boosted, be cautious with your personal bubbles, don’t open mouth kiss strangers – you know, the basics.


So after two years of living cautiously, taking every safety precaution necessary and following the science, I only have one question.


HOW THE HELL DID THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND GET COVID???


Granted, I know that the new Omicron variant is very contagious and more likely to infect people, even if they HAVE been vaccinated and boosted. But nevertheless, shouldn’t the Queen of England be one of the most protected individuals when it comes to Covid precautions?


And yes, I know that she supposedly caught it from Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall, but if that’s the case – how did THEY get Covid and then were permitted within 6 feet of the Queen?

Personally, I think the media is being fed lies about how the Queen contracted Covid, to cover up a Royal Scandal. So, in no particular order, here are my Top 10 alternative possibilities for how (and WHY) the Queen REALLY contracted Covid:


#1

When Queen Elizabeth II declined the “Oldie of the Year” award from The Oldie Magazine in 2021, chairman Gyles Brandreth took the slight personally, and has since been planning his revenge. on “the old biddie.”



#2

Even though the Platinum Jubilee is still months away, the idea of organizing a four-day weekend full of celebration was just too much bother, and the Queen is determined to have the event cancelled at all costs.

#3

The Queen’s bodyguards watched the classic 1999 Eddie Izard comedy special Dress To Kill and decided that maybe Eddie was right, and the Queen was a little TOO safe.


#4

February 14th was a week ago, and the incubation period for Covid-19 is about a week. CLEARLY her Royal Majesty had a hot date with a secret boyfriend and they did some serious Valentine’s Day smooching.


#5

The unmarked and mute swans of the United Kingdom were sick and tired of being “owned” by Queen Elizabeth, and they decided that they needed to send a message to the Royal Family that they will no longer be acknowledging said law.


#6

Two words: Covid Corgis.


#7

The Queen doesn’t actually have Covid. Between her late-morning gin cocktail, wine lunches and evening glass of champagne, she’s just had a tad of a hangover.


#8

Unbeknowst to most, the neon-green suit that her Majesty wore on her 90th birthday greatly damaged her immune system and left her in a weakened state, which made her more susceptible to contracting Covid. Let this be a lesson to all of you: wear neon colors with caution!


#9

The Queen had finally worn every fancy feathered hat available in Great Britain, and now that her collection of caps had been exhausted, she was forced to feign illness to allow her haberdashers some time to create new headpieces.



#10

The Queen of England was briefly hospitalized back in October 2021 and was released after only a day. OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE US THINK! Her Majesty has actually been in a highly guarded, top-secret luxury suite at an undisclosed hospital THE ENTIRE TIME, and the Royal Family has enacted a cover-up based on the 1993 comedy Dave, and a fake Queen Elizabeth II has been holding court since then. This new supposed Covid case is actually the bait-and-switch to bring back the real Queen of England.


Are these theories far-fetched and ridiculous? Yes.


Are these theories pure speculation and based upon absolutely no evidence? Also yes.


But don’t try to tell me that any of my theories are more absurd than the long-standing conspiracy theory that the members of the Royal Family are really descendants from Lizard People who are primed to overtake the world for domination at any moment.


Actually…maybe the Lizard People are the ones who dropped Covid on the human race to begin with. Maybe this is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a cough.


But personally, my money is still on the corgis.


 




Emmy Serviss is a Boston-based writer, actor and video editor. Once it is safe to return to live theater, you can find her performing with ComedySportz Boston and the sketch group SUZZY. When not on the stage, Emmy enjoys indulging in her new pandemic hobbies, laughing way too loudly and counting the days until Halloween.

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