Is It OK to Comment on Someone's Appearance?
- 9 hours ago
- 4 min read
By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.
Almost never!
First, let’s start by making a very important distinction: There is a difference between commenting on someone’s clothing, sunglasses or shoes, and drawing attention to their body parts.
Acceptable remarks: “I like that sweater. Love the color.”
”Where did you get those sunglasses? They’re so unusual.”
“I’ve been looking for a hat just like that one.”
It is not okay to comment on someone’s body parts!
“You have gorgeous skin.”
“Your hair is so stunning.”
“I’ll bet everyone says you have the whitest teeth.”
As innocuous as these unacceptable remarks might seem, they are actually an intrusion into another individual’s personal space. They shine a spotlight on one who may not wish to be noticed. Sometimes, compliments can even feel threatening, especially when a person feels like the individual making the comment is hitting on them. A severe consequence is when these observations change a person’s self-image and cause them to become self-conscious about something of which they were previously oblivious.
Today’s younger generations have elevated awareness of the effects of unsolicited attention given to the outward appearance of others. In previous decades, it was common to compliment people, even strangers, on anything observable.
My husband claims he is just being nice when he tells a stranger in line at CVS that she has a beautiful smile. He’s a man who is accustomed to saying exactly what is on his mind. Like others of an older generation, he is grappling with the difference between being friendly and appearing too familiar.
There has been a major shift in behavioral norms in our society. In the workplace, Human Resource departments publish acceptable and unacceptable language, topics, and behaviors. Reporting unsolicited remarks or physical contact can lead to an employee’s dismissal for crossing the line.
During elementary and middle school, kids are prone to say whatever they are thinking. Thoughtless chatter can be embarrassing and painful for fellow classmates. When I was in junior high school, I developed breasts that were larger than most of my girlfriends. The boys, even my closest friends, nicknamed me Nancy Fishtits. They weren’t being intentionally unkind; they were just being pubescent boys. Nevertheless, I experienced firsthand how demeaning and unforgettable it was to have anyone focusing on my body.
Today, there is a national epidemic of cruel social media postings that have left some undefended targets with anxiety, depression, and an inclination to withdraw from social activities, resulting in isolation. Some victims have even taken their own lives rather than to continue suffering the shame and humiliation created in a seemingly unstoppable viral environment. Whole school programs have been created to educate young people about the potentially harmful consequences of their unchecked recklessness.
In Margaret Atwood’s 1988 novel Cat’s Eye, the author, through main character Elaine Risely, exemplifies the sustaining effects of bullying and childhood trauma that persisted throughout Risely’s life. Elaine at age 50, often conjures up feelings she had as a teenager when classmates verbally criticized her appearance, leaving her with self-doubt and a lack of confidence. This too common a story shows us the lasting impact living under a social microscope can have.
Unwanted attention to personal appearance is a form of objectification, where people are identified as objects rather than for themselves as human beings. Almost nobody wants to be seen as Barbie, Ken or the Troll. Such a disconnect between the perception of true self and of an object can fuel self-consciousness, and worsen anxiety and depression, all of which have negative effects on comfort and freedom in school, the workplace, and in social situations. Severe forms of this can lead to eating disorders, fear of sexual assault, cognitive impairment, and certainly the dismantling of personal goals.
So, when is it appropriate to verbalize your observation of someone’s appearance?
If your wife asks you how she looks in her outfit, think very hard before you step into that trap. Tell her she looks fine, but another outfit is your favorite. She will decode that message.
If you are shopping with your adolescent daughter and she has put on a dress that looks terrible on her, be very careful to comment on the dress and not how her body looks in it.
If you are in the dressing room with your best friend and she asks you how her “butt” looks in the jeans she is trying on, you have her permission to tell her exactly what you think in the kindest way possible.
Let’s all remember that words matter!
This column is devoted to psychological topics that speak to the human condition, such as relationships, family, love, loss, and happiness. The ideas, thoughts, philosophies, and observations expressed here are personal and not meant as professional advice. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of real people.
Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients, working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operations. She is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative, and the organizer of Feeding Morgan Hill. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.
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