By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker
July 24, 2023
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unskilled Florida man said that he deeply regrets having missed out on the opportunity to be a slave.
The man said that his “lack of access to enslavement” had made his acquisition of essential skills “impossible.”
“Every day when I mess something up at work, I wonder to myself, would I be doing a better job if I’d been a slave?” he said. “There’s no question that it would have been a game-changer for me.”
He argued that being barred from forced servitude was a form of “white underprivilege,” and that Caucasians who suffer from a resulting skills deficit deserve reparations.
“Something must be done to compensate people like me who were unfairly denied the chance to be slaves,” he said. “When I think about the personal benefits I was prevented from obtaining, it makes me furious.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.