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Unskilled Florida Man Regrets Missing Out on Being Enslaved

By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker

July 24, 2023

Photographs from Getty
Photographs from Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unskilled Florida man said that he deeply regrets having missed out on the opportunity to be a slave.

The man said that his “lack of access to enslavement” had made his acquisition of essential skills “impossible.”

“Every day when I mess something up at work, I wonder to myself, would I be doing a better job if I’d been a slave?” he said. “There’s no question that it would have been a game-changer for me.”

He argued that being barred from forced servitude was a form of “white underprivilege,” and that Caucasians who suffer from a resulting skills deficit deserve reparations.

“Something must be done to compensate people like me who were unfairly denied the chance to be slaves,” he said. “When I think about the personal benefits I was prevented from obtaining, it makes me furious.”

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

1 comment



Apparently he is not married as his wife would have insisted he should have all those skills to keep her satisfied. Happy wife, happy life.

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