By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker
April 18, 2023
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In his first on-air appearance since Fox News Channel settled Dominion Voting Systems’ lawsuit, Tucker Carlson reported that Fox News Channel did not settle Dominion Voting Systems’ lawsuit.
“This just in,” Carlson began his program. “Fox News Channel has not paid $787.5 million to settle the defamation lawsuit against it.”
“By not paying this money, Fox News Channel is not acknowledging that we reported any inaccurate information about the 2020 election,” he added. “In addition, we are demonstrating that we had a very, very strong case and would not have writhed like snivelling scoundrels on the witness stand.”
“Finally, Dominion Voting Systems has apologized for giving us so much grief, and, to compensate us, they’ve agreed to pay Fox News Channel $787.5 million,” he said. “Case closed.”
Carlson then discussed the network’s “huge victory over Dominion” with the Fox legal analyst and former federal judge George Santos.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.