March 2, 2022
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—As the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues to encounter difficulties, Donald J. Trump has advised Vladimir Putin “just to claim that he won.”
“He needs to get on TV and say that he’s the winner,” Trump said. “He should say that he had a victory in Ukraine like you wouldn’t believe.”
Trump said that the Russian President should hold rallies across the country to tell his supporters that he won but that his victory had been stolen from him.
“I thought Putin was smart, but maybe he’s not so smart after all,” Trump said. “If he doesn’t say he won, he’s some kind of stupid dummy.”
Trump said that, since his calls to the Russian leader kept going straight to voice mail, he left Putin a suggestion of what he should tell the Russian people.
“All he needs to say is, ‘Frankly, we did win this invasion,’ ” Trump said.