July 18, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest shakeup in his inner circle, Donald Trump has named the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, to the position of niece, replacing Mary Trump, effective immediately.
With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
But, according to a White House source, the decision to replace Mary Trump with McEnany was a “no-brainer.”
“The President wanted a niece who could rewrite history, and Kayleigh has proven every day that she can do that,” the source said.
McEnany will continue in her role as press secretary in addition to niece, and will refer to Trump as “Uncle President.”
As for Mary Trump, she will remain a member of the Trump family, but has been demoted from niece to third cousin.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.