February 7, 2022
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has produced a letter from his podiatrist to avoid serving with the Russian forces massing on the border of Ukraine.
Although Trump has not yet been drafted into the Russian Army, he has been “living in terror” of receiving a draft notice from Vladimir Putin, a source close to the former President said.
“It wouldn’t be the first time Putin commanded him to do something,” the source said.
According to the source, Trump has sent Putin the podiatrist’s note, which asserted that marching with the Russian Army would cause intolerable pain in his foot region.
“He apologized to Putin for being unable to serve in the Russian Army, and recommended that he draft Tucker Carlson instead,” the source said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.