September 22, 2021
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump filed a hundred-million-dollar lawsuit after finishing a New York Times story that he started reading in 2018, the former President has confirmed.
“When I started reading the story three years ago, I saw my name in the headline and it made me happy,” Trump told reporters. “It said ‘Trump.’ I thought, This is probably going to be a good story.”
As he continued reading the story in 2019, he said, “It still didn’t seem so bad to me. I spent that year reading three or four paragraphs, and I didn’t really get the entire gist of the article.”
In 2020, Trump said, “I was busy with the election, so I didn’t get to read as much of the article as I would’ve liked. I maybe got through five, six more sentences. It mentioned my name a lot. ‘Trump.’ Still seemed O.K.”
Though Trump was ultimately able to finish the Times article this week, he accused its authors of making it intentionally difficult for him to read.
“Those so-called writers used many, many long words that I didn’t know—and Jared didn’t, either,” he said. “We had to ask Ivanka what they meant, and, quite frankly, she had to look a lot of them up. And those jokers won the Pulitzer for this crap? That should never be allowed to happen in this country.”