By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker
March 23, 2023
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump claimed that the failure of the Manhattan District Attorney, Alvin Bragg, to indict him thus far is “quite frankly, a conspiracy” to keep the Republican Presidential candidate from attracting campaign donations.
“Alvin Bragg, who is a disgrace, should have arrested me by now,” Trump said. “He has treated me very unfairly.”
Trump said that he had made repeated calls to Bragg’s office to demand that he be arrested but has received no response.
“There’s something going on,” Trump said. “Obviously George Soros is telling Bragg not to arrest me. This should never be allowed to happen in this country.”
Issuing an ultimatum to Bragg, Trump said that, if he is not arrested by Friday, “I will perform a citizen’s arrest on myself.”
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” Trump said. “The easy way would be for Alvin to keep his promise and arrest me, but time is running out.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.