September 14, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “people are saying there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump claimed that the former Vice-President Joe Biden is using “performance-enhancing books.”
Pointing to Biden’s strong performances in the Vice-Presidential debates of 2008 and 2012, Trump alleged, “It’s clear that he was under the influence of books.”
“Every time he got asked a question, he pulled facts out of thin air,” Trump said. “You can’t do that unless you’re pumped up on books.”
Trump warned that, unless he is caught, Biden will try to use performance-enhancing books before the Presidential debates, which start later this month, and urged that both candidates be tested for books before the contest.
“I have no problem with being tested,” Trump declared. “I am a hundred per cent book-free.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.