The Maiden and The Maven: Just for the Fun of It

By Lydia Hope Wilen / New York City

& Stan Fischler / North Golan Heights, Israel

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

                                                           Danish comedian Victor Borge

THE MAVE SPEAKS

Kidding with Lyd

Falling in love with a comedy writer was not my intention 60 years ago when I interviewed Lydia Hope Wilen for Hearst's flagship evening daily, the New York Journal-American, otherwise known as "The J-A."

But accidents will happen -- so do jokes which I average about three a day. In the case of my first meeting with Lydia, there was no time for comedy. Stupid me; not even time to get her phone number.

No problem. I was too busy trying to secure my job as a full-time journalist. I was less interested in Lyd the laugh-writer for Jackie Mason and more in writing a catchy lead to my story. Chatting with this young beauty was only okay if my editor John W. Newton liked my story.

He did and it ran with a photo of Dame Wilen, which proved that I had egregiously erred in not tracking her down for a date. But that would come a mere six decades later, thanks to email which secured our reunion and jokes which cemented it.

To my amazement, I learned via email and then cell phone that this still gorgeous female was casually and innocently breaking a fixed rule: NEVER BE FUNNIER THAN FISCHLER.

No matter; what mattered is that humor came as naturally to me and as automatically to the Lovely Lyd as: Two shrinks meet in the street, and one says "You're fine. How am I?”

As our romance blossomed, Lyd asked how my laugh language had developed.

Parents who dressed their kid in knickers, had to have a sense of humor.

All in the Family

That was easy. As a lad in Williamsburg-On-The-River, I was surrounded by a funny family– especially The Three Bens -- Uncle Ben, Big Ben and Molly's Ben.

My dad belonged to Molly and he -- a former sailor in World War I -- owned a catalogue of what I considered funny lines. If he was angry with me, he'd say, "I'll fix your wagon" and that inspired a chuckle ‘cause I didn’t even have a wagon.

Big Ben Friedman, my mom's first cousin, was a jolly fellow without even trying to be funny. When I was five years old, Big Ben was a big fan of radio-movie comic Joe Penner. Penner had a standard line that audiences thought was a riot: “WANNA BUY A DUCK?”

When Big Ben came to visit, the first thing he'd say to me would inevitably be: “WANNA BUY A DUCK?” Before he was halfway through, I was halfway to the floor laughing.

My mom’s kid brother, Uncle Ben Friedman, was a facial comic and he'd always sit across from me at Passover seders. When I'd least expect it, Uncle Ben would cover his upper teeth with his upper lip and extend his lower teeth with what came to be known as an "Uncle Ben Face."

It turned out to be so 100 percent effective that I passed it on to my two sons, Ben and Simon, and every grandchild.

Getting back to my dad–my original humor source–I consider this scene symbolic of a funny guy who automatically made his son a budding humorist:

Dad's kid brother, lawyer Julius of East New York, had a sweet wife named Aunt Ceil. She had one failing–she liked to brag. Aunt Ceil and my mom schmoozed by phone once a week.

Like clockwork, when their conversation ended, Dad would quip:

"Stanley, do you know that your Aunt Ceil is a connoisseur?"

A pause and then the inevitable punchline:  "Mostly sewer!"

Sam Rosen, John Giannone, Joe Micheletti and the co-author, Hockey Maven Stan Fischler

Slap Shot

Actually, I got serious about joke-telling while working as a sportscaster for SportsChannel and MSG Networks, doing Rangers, Devils, and Islanders games.

Prior to a Devils telecast, I heard "The Bobby Short Gag," which, unfortunately, cannot be told here. I did, however, tell it before a pregame production meeting and it went over so well that my producer, Roland Dratch, suggested I tell one at the next meeting. Wouldn’t you know, I told another X-rated gag that went over so well that producer Dratch suggested I tell a joke before EVERY game. And I did and likewise before Rangers and Islanders games. No, not all X-rated.  Here’s one that went over big and can be repeated in the Insider:   

A guy is walking in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral arm-in-arm with two live penguins: one on the left and one on the right.

A cop happens to see them and admonishes the guy: "You can't be walking in front of the church with those two live penguins. I can give you a summons."

The guy shoots back, "Well whaddya want me to do?"

"Take those penguins to the Bronx Zoo or it'll cost you fifty bucks."

So, the guy hails a cab and takes the penguins to the Bronx Zoo.

The next day the cop is walking his beat in front of St. Patrick's when a car stops for a red light at 50th and Fifth.

The cop notices the same guy who was with the penguins now is driving the car and the penguins are sitting in the back seat.

The cop snaps: "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the Bronx Zoo!"

The guy leans out of his car window and tells the cop, “I did, and they loved it.  Now we’re going to Coney Island!”

LYDIA'S TURN

Stan, The Good Humor Man

Many of my remarks to Stan, on the phone and in emails, begin with “Who but you…?” Is there anyone else who does an imitation of Peter Lorre talking to Jell-O?  Who else imitates Henry Daniell as Moriarty, going up against Basil Rathbone’s Sherlock Holmes?  While walking through Central Park with his young son on his shoulders, a large rodent crossed their path. Within a second, Stan became Jimmy Cagney: “You, you dirty rat!”

Mave starts by teaching me things. For instance, Brooklyn’s St. George Hotel had a massive Art Deco saltwater pool – a hangout for celebrities from the 1930s to the 1950s. This Subway Historian also told me that the IRT Clark Street train station was built under the Hotel. Mave slips in a joke without me realizing it:

“One day, a married couple checked in and were given a room on the first floor.  The wife was tired and wanted to take a nap. She put on her nightgown and got into bed, while her husband left to explore the neighborhood. Just as she was falling asleep, there was a rumbling sound as her bed shook. A few minutes later, the same rumbling and shaking happened.

She called the front desk and asked to speak to the manager. She told the manager, “Every time a train comes, there’s rumbling and the bed shakes. Please come up and see for yourself.” The manager let himself into her room. She said, “It will happen again any minute now. Lay down on the bed so you can get the full impact.”  He did. Just then, the husband opened the door, walked in and said, “What the hell are you doing in bed with my wife?” The manager replied, “You won’t believe this, pal, but I’m waiting for a train to come in.”

Friday night showtime at Bubbe's

Humor in the Family

Every Friday night in Bubbe’s and Zeyde’s apartment, it was eat supper, light candles, put on a show. Uncle Larry (Label) would lip-sync to Danny Kaye’s rapid-fire lyrics or to Aaron Lebederf singing “Roumania, Roumania.” Uncle Davey (Doovid) would dress in drag for silly skits and I played along, wearing every kind of schmatta available and lip syncing to comedy novelty records including “Pincus the Peddler."

You had to be there.  And one Friday night, Zeyde’s sister (my great-aunt, Tanta Malka) was there, visiting from her chicken farm in Lakewood, NJ.

Showtime! Tante Malka was seated front row center. She set a record for audience appreciation because she laughed so hard, the tears ran down her leg.  (My sister had to explain to me that it meant she peed in her pants.) I thought: If laughter can do that, I want in.

Slap Shots

Since my long-distance lover is known as the Hockey Maven, I thought I should watch a game. I started with the recent finals between the Las Vegas Golden Knights and the Carolina Hurricanes.

My first time watching a hockey game.

I had it made. By the fourth inning, I had the lingo– No innings? And only three periods?  It seemed longer. Stan, the good sport, included this in one of his daily Rangers reports that goes out to hockey fans… and he still has that job.  So, I guess I got things right. Here goes…

Face-off:  Makeup Removal

Hat Trick:  Putting a cap on with the brim in back and still shielding your eyes from the sun

Change on the fly:  Replace the buttons with a zipper

Re-tooling:  Getting a new hammer, screwdriver, pliers, saw and drill

Power Play: A come-on by a guy on the next bar stool

Icing:  A sugary glaze used to top off baked goods

Goal:  It should be spaced differently: Go Al for every hockey player named Al: MacInnis, Iafrate, Arbour, MacAdam, Montoya (of course the Maven will be the only one able to recognize these names and also sing Paul Simon’s lyrics to “You Can Call Me Al.”)

Holding the stick:  I won't even dignify this with an explanation. Let’s get our minds out of the gutter and back in the game.

One-timer:  Better than a two-timer

Right wing:  Favorite chicken part

Toe drag:  An annoying pain caused by gout

Zamboni:  The East Flatbush shoemaker, Anthony (Tony) Zamboni

But Seriously Folks…

There’s something to the expression, “Laughter is the best medicine.”  Well, maybe it’s not the best medicine, but it’s a close second. According to the Wilen sisters’ (doctor-approved) Treasury of Home Remedies & Natural Cures, laughter activates the immune system, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, and raises levels of infection-fighting cells.  What’s more, laughter triggers the instant release of endorphins (feel-good chemicals and pain relievers) along with the pleasure-provider dopamine, the neurotransmitter that reinforces positive behavior. That’s nothing to laugh at.

Now I know why I love the lug. Mave keeps my endorphins triggered and has me doped up with dopamine.

Always Leave ‘em Laughing

This is Stan imagining that Mona Lisa was Jewish and what her mother would have said: “Mona, bubbelah, after all the money your father and I spent on your braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

A Jewish orthodontist's nightmare

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Lydia Hope Wilen began her professional career as a comedy writer on Personality, a celebrity-driven game show.  Her greatest gig was her extremely successful collaboration with her late sister Joany as nonfiction bestselling authors (18 books), which led to the sisters becoming  popular TV personalities. They continued as journalists (NY Daily News Sunday full-page feature, Celebrity Surveys for Cosmopolitan Magazine, cover stories for Parade Magazine) and got the opportunity to write and talent coordinate a Nickelodeon series hosted by Leonard Nimoy. The Wilens had an unusually versatile writing range from Reading Rainbow episodes, to off-color comedy skits for Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s TV show, Sexually Speaking, plus three optioned screenplays. And that's just for starters . . .

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Stan was gifted with a silver hockey stick when inducted into the USA Hockey Hall of Fame by the Islanders in 2020

Stanley I. Fischler (born March 31, 1932) is an American historian of hockey and the New York City subway, as well as a broadcaster, author of over 100 books, and professor. As a broadcaster with MSG, Fischler has won seven Emmy Awards (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stan_Fischler)