October 7, 2021
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—In a judicial decision that has stirred controversy in the Lone Star State, Texas has been temporarily forced to recognize women as humans.
The incendiary decision, handed down by U.S. District Court Judge Robert Pitman, enables women to “come out of the shadows” and be granted rights similar to those enjoyed by other humans in Texas.
In an emotional press conference, the Texas governor, Greg Abbott, called the judge’s decision to confer human status on women “a dark day in the history of our great state.”
He warned that the state could face mass immigration from women “once word gets out that Texas considers them equivalent to human beings.”
“The voters of Texas did not put me in office to allow women to be treated as humans,” he said, choking back tears. “As long as I can draw a breath, this will not stand.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.