May 26, 2022
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—A rattled Greg Abbott described for reporters the moment of abject terror that he endured when the gubernatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke suddenly talked to him.
“Without warning, out of nowhere, there he appeared, saying things,” the Governor of Texas said. “I’m still shaking just thinking about it.”
Accusing O’Rourke of hiding behind the First Amendment, Abbott asserted, “That amendment was written in the eighteenth century and was intended for use only in times of war, such as when Paul Revere warned that the British were coming.”
Abbott said that he would secure twenty-four-hour police protection to shield himself from future terrifying incidents of O’Rourke speaking, and that he would take measures to safeguard fellow-Texans from similar outbursts.
One measure under consideration is a two-week waiting period between O’Rourke thinking of something to say and being permitted to say it, aides to the Governor confirmed.
“The No. 1 problem facing Texas today is Beto O’Rourke making sudden, unprovoked comments,” he said. “We must pass new, strict laws to protect Texans from Beto O’Rourke’s sentences.”