March 30, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling her decision to vote for the confirmation of Ketanji Brown Jackson “totally unacceptable,” Senate Republicans are punishing Susan Collins by forcing her to sit next to Rand Paul.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced Collins’s sentence from the well of the Senate, declaring, “By sitting next to Rand Paul, Susan Collins is paying the ultimate price.”
After a few days and weeks of hearing Rand natter on in that grating way of his, maybe she’ll start to think about what she has done and whether it was truly worth it,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Collins appeared shaken by the Republican leadership’s decision to seat her next to the Kentucky senator.
“Clearly, this is going to be awful, but I’m trying to look on the bright side,” she said. “At least I’m not sitting next to Josh Hawley.”