March 7, 2022
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin is “very upset” that the Ukrainian people are far less obedient than Donald J. Trump, Kremlin sources have confirmed.
According to the sources, Trump’s four years of ardent toadying left the Russian President emotionally unprepared for the Ukrainians’ defiance.
“If I wanted Trump to do something, I’d just snap my fingers and consider it done,” Putin reportedly said. “It was wonderful.”
Putin’s entire plan for invading Ukraine, in fact, was predicated on the false assumption that the Ukrainians “would act like Trump,” one source indicated.
“After he invaded, he kept waiting for the Ukrainians to tell him how strong and smart he was,” the source said. “When there were no displays of Trumpian sycophancy, his mood darkened.”
At a Kremlin meeting over the weekend, Putin’s frustration at the Ukrainians for being less obsequious than Trump boiled over, sources said.
“If the President of the United States can abandon democracy and the rule of law, why can’t these people?” Putin asked, pounding his desk.