June 7, 2021
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Calling recent speculation “absurd,” Vladimir Putin said that he has “no intention whatsoever” of reinstating Donald J. Trump as President of the United States.
Speaking to reporters, the Russian President bristled at the suggestion that he would reinstall Trump in the White House “this August or any other month, for that matter.”
“I think if I were planning to put Trump back in power, I would know about it,” the visibly annoyed Putin said. “This was all news to me.”
Irritated by the former U.S. President’s “needy” behavior, Putin said that he wished that Trump “would stop texting me.”
“I realize that he’s been banned from Twitter and Facebook and God knows where else, and he’s probably lonely,” the Russian leader said. “But, really, he’s got to get a life. I’ve moved on. Why can’t he?”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.