June 28, 2021
WELLINGTON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Holding his first campaign-style rally in months, an out-of-practice Donald J. Trump forgot to strand the event’s attendees in a parking lot Saturday night.
Blaming the failure to strand the rally crowd on “rustiness,” a member of Trump’s inner circle apologized for not delivering a signature feature of Trump rallies.
“People have come to expect that, at the conclusion of one of our rallies, they will be marooned in the middle of nowhere for hours, often in inclement weather,” Harland Dorrinson, a Trump aide, said. “On Saturday night, we didn’t get it done.”
Dorrinson said that the entire Trump team would be conducting a postmortem of the rally to find out why attendees were able to leave the event without incident.
“Saturday night was our first rally in a long time, and we weren’t in fighting shape,” Dorrinson said. “But that’s no excuse. I want to promise all future attendees: if you come to a Trump rally, you will be stranded for hours afterward with no buses anywhere in sight—period.”