January 26, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As reports of a United States Supreme Court Justice retiring spread on Wednesday, millions of Americans were bummed that it wasn’t Clarence Thomas.
In interviews across the country, Americans revealed that their momentary elation was followed by deep disappointment when they learned that a jurist other than Thomas was departing the bench.
“When I heard that someone on the Court had retired, my first thought was, Please, please, please let it be Thomas,” said Carol Foyler, who lives in Milwaukee. “I guess it was too good to be true.”
“I’m grateful that Breyer is leaving the Court at a time when President Biden will be able to nominate his replacement,” Stacy Klugian, who resides in Nashville, said. “Still, it totally blows that it wasn’t Thomas.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Mateo, had a more positive view of the day’s events. “Stephen Breyer has earned a wonderful retirement,” he said. “And I hope he sends back a lot of postcards to the Court showing him on amazing vacations, and that makes that bastard Thomas decide to retire, too.”