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Miami Police Searching for Defendant with 71 Felony Counts Who Skipped Out on Restaurant Check

By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker

June 16, 2023

Photograph by Stephanie Keith / Getty
Photograph by Stephanie Keith / Getty

MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Miami police are looking for a defendant with seventy-one felony counts who skipped out on a check at a local Cuban restaurant on Tuesday.

According to the police, the man, who has been indicted for crimes in New York and Florida and could soon face arrest in Georgia, offered to pay for everyone in the restaurant before beating the check.

Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the Miami police, said that the suspect had been on a “multistate crime spree” and should be considered “extremely dangerous.”

“He is not believed to be carrying a weapon, but he could be carrying documents indicating the location of weapons,” the spokesman said. He revealed that the police are searching for the suspect throughout Miami, with special emphasis on the city’s bathrooms. “He appears to believe that those are highly secure locations,” Dorrinson noted.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.



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