January 9, 2023
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Kevin McCarthy’s tenure as Speaker of the House got off to an awkward start as the California congressman asked “whatever joker” hid his gavel to return it at once.
“O.K., guys, you’ve had your fun,” McCarthy said, his voice barely audible over the derisive hoots of his fellow-Republicans. “I’m going to count to ten, and then I expect to have my gavel back.”
“Kev knows how count to ten?” Representative Matt Gaetz asked, after which members of the Freedom Caucus egged him on by chanting, “Gaetz! Gaetz! Gaetz! Gaetz!”
“C’mon, Matt, stop being such an ass,” McCarthy retorted.
“I know you are, but what am I?” the Florida congressman shot back.
Seemingly losing his patience, McCarthy leapt from the podium and attempted to throttle Gaetz before the two were separated by congresswomen Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
In the scuffle’s aftermath, Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio defended whoever hid the Speaker’s gavel. “Was today a little messy?” Jordan said. “Yes. But this was democracy at its best.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.