Let’s Talk: When to Depend on Depends
- andreasachs1
- Dec 1
- 4 min read
By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.
Some say that every seven years, there is a remarkable change in our bodies. I don’t know if that is true or not, but certainly with every decade comes a new awareness of physical changes. Just look at your passport pictures, which need renewing every 10 years. Don’t you see a change in your face from one picture to the next? I ran into an old friend at my 25-year high school reunion. We were only 43 that year, yet I couldn’t find my friend in her face. Two-and-a-half decades had changed her look completely.
Visual appearance aside, let’s talk about bodily functions. I heard a couple of older people talking the other day:
One said to the other, “Every time I laugh too hard or cough, I wet my pants.”
The other responded, “I know what you mean. I hope to have a bowel movement every day, and hopefully in the toilet!”
When is it time to depend on Depends or to process the other changes brought on by aging?
Many older people, especially men, say they don’t want to live if they are going to need help wiping themselves.
And then there was my father. When he was in his late 80s, he moved into a lovely assisted living property that somewhat resembled the country clubs he had been used to enjoying, with concierge service, dining hostesses, white table linens, and a grand piano in the main gathering room.
He was the least likely person I knew who would consider Depends as a smart addition to his wardrobe. I never fathomed that he could adjust to attendants changing his diapers and cleaning him up while preserving his dignity.
So, when is it time to depend on others to take over some of the chores that were once so easy to do, but have become major ordeals? Do you remember when your to-do list could be accomplished in two hours? Ha! I’m lucky to get through my list in two weeks.
When my mother-in-law was in her 80s, and had hung up her car keys for good, I shuttled her around town so she could get her errands done. She wanted to do one errand in the morning, stop for lunch, and do another errand in the afternoon. After several weeks of this routine, I realized I was living her life and not my own. I asked her to group the errands into two days. Her response? “What am I supposed to do with the rest of the week?”
As we assign those chores that once held a prominent place in our schedules to others, what do we do to fill in the blanks and find purpose?
I saw a TV program some time ago that discussed the results of research on aging. I was fascinated to learn that centenarians have three things in common:
1) They exercise
2) They are good at sustaining loss
3) They have purpose
One centenarian who was interviewed on the program was a docent at local museum. Another was a Walmart greeter, who sat on a stool smiling at everyone who walked through the door, priding himself on remembering people’s names.
Whether it is some kind of community engagement or simply tending to one’s garden, people who reach 100 years old commonly boast of a purpose in life.
It seems that is not the only thing they boast about. Recently, a writer friend told me the story of sitting in a doctor’s waiting room (where else?) next to an old woman who asked my friend, “How old are you?”
Without having time to process that odd question coming from a stranger, my friend replied, “80.”
The old woman began to laugh. “Oh, you’re just a baby! I’m over 100!”
It was as if she couldn’t wait to tell everyone and anyone who would listen that she had victoriously made it to 100. I wonder if she set out to reach 100. Was that her intention all along, or did she keep moving the goal post further into her graying years?
When I hear people say they do not want to live if they have no quality of life, I think it is nearly impossible to project how we will feel when physical changes become more challenging. When transformations associated with aging happen gradually, accepting them as a new normal is more likely. People who were adaptable in their younger years have more practice for adjusting to difficulties of all kinds later in life.
Whether change happens gradually or as a consequence of a sudden event, the
decades will march on. We either fold ‘em or pull up our Depends and march forward.
This column is devoted to psychological topics that speak to the human condition, such as relationships, family, love, loss, and happiness. The ideas, thoughts, philosophies, and observations expressed here are personal and not meant as professional advice. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of real people.
Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients--working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operation, and is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.
So true!!!!