Let’s Talk: The Case of Doctor v. Doctor
- andreasachs1
- Sep 4
- 6 min read
By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.
As a private practice psychologist, I have heard my share of marital problems. It is still thrilling to see couples overcome routine rough patches and seemingly insurmountable barriers.
In 1990, the work led me onto a path I never anticipated. A family court judge in Oakland County, Mich., invited me and a family law attorney to write a program for divorcing parents to help them and their children through a difficult time in their family’s history. The SMILE program made its way around the country just as a new culture around divorce began to emerge. Could divorce be handled in a gentler way than the traditional litigated nightmare commonly practiced?
In the same year we launched SMILE, Stuart Webb, a Minnesota attorney, teamed up with other attorneys and therapists to chart a new course for divorcing couples to end marriages and save the families. He called it Collaborative Law, and it, too, made its way across the country.
When Collaborative Law was introduced in my county, I immediately enrolled in training to join a collaborative team, which commonly consists of two attorneys, two therapists, and a financial neutral. The collaborative divorce process is conducted in the round with transparency and trust resulting in an out-of-court settlement. I had learned that even the most difficult cases could be settled by the collaborative method. This theory would certainly be tested in one of my early cases, Doctor v. Doctor.
I was relatively new at the collaborative divorce process when I was brought onto a case involving a married couple seeking a less contentious divorce. Each party had his or her own divorce attorney as well as his or her own therapist. I was selected as the wife’s therapist, and Nathan Comerford was selected as the husband’s therapist. This was the first of many cases Nathan and I would manage as therapist partners assisting the attorneys on the road to a settlement as gently as possible.
The divorcing parties were two college professors working at the same small college in a very small town. They had met in graduate school and had helped each other through exams and dissertations. After graduating and receiving offers to teach at a prestigious liberal arts college, they decided to get married. They were close to 30 years old and wanted to start a family right away. They bought a house in a tight-knit community and spent the next six years filling the home with four children.
At the onset of the case, the children ranged in age from 5 to 11. Doctor Husband reported he had been unhappy in the marriage for a few years. He couldn’t remember the last time he and his wife enjoyed any time together without the children. In addition to the responsibilities of raising a young family, both parties were pressured by the college to obtain research grants and publish. The distance between the couple continued to grow.
Finally, Doctor Husband could no longer tolerate his discontent and made an appointment with a collaborative divorce attorney, hoping things would go more smoothly with less conflict. The attorney sent the couple to me for an initial meeting.
Unbeknownst to me, Doctor Husband had not told his wife he wanted a divorce, or that he had already seen an attorney. He told her they were going to see a marriage counselor the night of their first appointment with me.
Just as the elevator stopped at my floor and the doors opened, Doctor Husband told Doctor Wife he wanted a divorce, and they were actually here to talk about that. Doctor Wife and I were both surprised! After recovering from the shock, I explained the collaborative process and referred Doctor Husband to Nathan; I stayed on Doctor Wife’s team.
Following that first meeting, I had three individual meetings with Doctor Wife. The first was really rough because Doctor Wife was still in disbelief. She claimed she had had no idea her husband was unhappy. She was frustrated that her husband was denying her the opportunity to improve their marriage. She said she was hurt beyond any pain she had ever experienced.
During the second meeting, Doctor Wife shared a suspicion that her husband was having an affair. She even thought she knew the woman, another professor at the college. Even if she were correct, she was willing to try marriage counseling if her husband would give it a chance.
Finally, in the third meeting, Doctor Wife realized the marriage was over. She had been having many conversations with her husband, and he was very certain he wanted a divorce. She believed she had to accept the inevitable and start planning for the future. When Doctor Wife came to this conclusion, I felt it was time for a four-way meeting with the parties, Nathan and me.
The meeting was riveting, to say the least. On one hand, it did not erupt into a galactic dog-and-cat-fight. However, it became clear that Doctor Wife was full of resentment and disgust that her husband had been hiding his unhappiness and his desire to get a divorce. At that point, she accused him of seeing another woman.
Doctor Husband just sat there as his emotionally tormented wife pummeled him. He seemed full of guilt but did not react to accusations of seeing another woman. And in the midst of all their pain and frustration, they were remarkably aligned in their desire to shelter their children from the potential devastation divorce can cause.
My next meeting with Doctor Wife alone was the perfect example of how grief takes hold. One minute she was in denial about the divorce, and the next she was mad as a wet hen. Then she would fantasize about ways to get her husband back until she was exhausted and sad.
In the end, she pulled herself out of discouragement and inched toward resignation. She was strong, courageous, and elegant. I wanted to forget my role and boundaries as her therapist, cross the room and just hug her like I would a sister.
Meanwhile, Doctor Husband was continuing to meet with Nathan. At last, he admitted to Nathan he was, indeed, having an affair with another professor at the college. Now, it was up to Doctor Husband to come clean in the next four-way meeting. Nathan and I hoped Doctor Husband would reveal the affair to his wife to provide the transparency the process was lacking thus far. We also believed Doctor Wife would be able to begin the healing process when she learned her suspicions were true.
Doctor Husband spent the first half of the next four-way meeting sidestepping the affair and any topics related to it. Then, finally, Doctor Husband stated there was something weighing heavily on his mind and heart that he wanted to get out in the open. The spotlight was on him. We held our collective breath as the words left his mouth. He was having an affair.
All eyes turned toward Doctor Wife. Her reaction was not at all what we expected. Instead of displaying shock, horror and pain, tears just ran down her face. It turns out she had a confession to make as well. She had known about Doctor Girlfriend for some time but was deliberately withholding the information waiting to see if her husband was man enough to confess.
We gave our clients the rest of the meeting to process the revelation. Just as they stood up to leave, I was reminded of the first time I saw them coming off the elevator, when Doctor Husband told his wife they were not here for marriage counseling. Now, as they were putting on their coats, Doctor Husband blurted out one more thing: Doctor Girlfriend was pregnant with his fifth child!
I thought this bombshell would sully the negotiations for marital assets and parenting time, but something unexpected transcended all the lies--something so strong and enduring that would help both Doctor Husband and Doctor Wife end their marriage and save their family. The love for their children emerged as the bond that would carry them through the darkest days. I have come to know over the many years of working in this arena that where there is love, there is always hope.
The day the divorce was finalized in court, Doctor Girlfriend went into labor.
Doctor Ex-Husband collected his divorce papers from one window at the county offices and picked up a marriage license from the next window. Doctor Ex-Wife was able to heal only after Doctor Ex-Husband delivered a most heartfelt apology with a promise to honor the needs of their family. The three adults and five children have shared quality family time on many occasions for the sake of the all the children.
This story originated from Sex, Lies & Negotiations by Nancy Fishman, PhD and Nathan Comerford, M.A.; Momentum Books, 2011
This column is devoted to psychological topics that speak to the human condition, such as relationships, family, love, loss, and happiness. The ideas, thoughts, philosophies, and observations expressed here are personal and not meant as professional advice. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of real people.
Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients--working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operation, and is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.
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