By Eric Green / Arlington, Va.
Like the lyrics of a popular song from the 1950s puts it, the 34 felony counts announced April 4 against Donald Trump for falsifying business records and other criminal offenses “could be the start of something big.” Or more precisely, enormous.
How big it gets depends on whether the two other investigations involving Trump end up with the former president in the slammer, at last getting his just desserts for breaking the law. Especially since The Donald never expresses regret or apologies for all the unlawful things he’s ever done, as if being a pathological liar and accused rapist weren’t bad enough.
This dramady, an exquisite blend of tragedy with comedy, that stars Trump and a cast of other unsavory sleazebags in his orbit, might be something a playwright like Neil Simon would write for a Broadway show. But the production probably would close for good after a one night’s performance, after theater critics panned it for the characters lacking talent and the subject matter too improbable.
Knowing how Trump characteristically tries to escape trouble, could he actually be perversely brimming over with self-pride and excitement as the first president to be indicted and facing a court of law? He found the energy to give a campaign-style speech to cheering supporters at Mar-a-Lago when he got home on Tuesday night.
Perhaps 45 can use the felony counts as a badge of honor to satisfy his narcissistic need to be the center of attention. Of course, you don’t necessarily have to be Sigmund Freud to figure that one out.
With Donald Trump, it’s always somebody else’s fault. Never his. Well, Mr. Loser Former President, Judgment Day for you has finally dawned and it may end up with you in an orange jumpsuit peering out from behind prison bars.
The prospect of Trump being put in shackles raises several interesting questions about the circumstances of his confinement in a correctional facility.
Will the Secret Service detail assigned to him as a former president be housed in an adjoining prison cell? Will Trump be placed in the general prison population and share a cell with a roommate? Or will he be placed in solitary confinement to protect him from any inmate who doesn’t take kindly to the Trumpster and wants to dish out his own form of selective judgment?
Just imagine who they might give America’s newest convict as a roommate. The name Rudy Giuliani pops up, as he seems likely to be indicted for conspiring with Trump to overturn the 2020 election. Or maybe Steve Bannon, who’s already been convicted of contempt of Congress and sentenced to four months in jail, pending appeal.
Or is there a possibility that Trump, now that he’s been formally arraigned, might decide to go on the lam to escape what the law has in store for him? Let the judge in Trump’s case make sure that doesn’t happen by putting an ankle monitor on him to prevent the ex-president from trying to hide out at his private golf club in Scotland, or even somewhere even more exotic, such as North Korea to visit his old comrade-in-arms Kim Jong-un, loved by all his subjects in his paradise on earth.
And then there’s the matter of how well Trump will take to prison food. The cooks at the pokey might not always have his preferred well-done steak with ketchup on the day’s menu. It’d be a change of lifestyle for him to see a slab of meat and lukewarm lumpy potatoes thrown on his tray for dinner, after enjoying a bowl of porridge at breakfast.
That 1950s song mentioned earlier, “This Could Be The Start of Something Big,” written by the late comedian, author, and pianist Steve Allen, goes on to say “there’s no controlling the unrolling of your fate.”
How apropos to the fate of The Donald, who’s been flimflamming law authorities on a long list of offenses that are reported to fall under three general themes--financial wrongdoing that brought in more income; his role in the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol; and his ongoing efforts to sabotage the results of the 2020 presidential election. That’s not including the current investigation of Trump having hidden top-secret and other classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago mansion in Florida.
The 34 felonies, which allegedly include Trump paying hush money to adult film star actress Stormy Daniels to cover up their alleged affair might lead to, as one wag put it, a young child asking a parent, “Daddy, what’s a porn star?”
As Jimmy Kimmel put it on his late-night TV show, “For the first time in the history of this country, an American president has been indicted for his role in paying hush money” to a pornographic performer.
“Although in fairness,” Kimmel added, “that’s a pretty narrow window. Like, when Grover Cleveland was president (in the late 19th century), porn stars were very hard to come by. But, still, it’s historic and it’s funny.”
Trump’s inexhaustible ability to stay in the public eye was manifested even further when Congress impeached him an unprecedented two times on such matters as his alleged attempts to seek foreign interference in the 2020 presidential election. But now after being charged with all these felonies, Trump really has something to write home about. And he might have a lot of time to do that writing once he’s spending his time in the “joint.”
Trump may be vying to become America’s all-time leading criminal, facing at least 19 legal actions against him. That’s not even to mention the gratuitous insults he’s aimed at women and people with physical challenges.
Added to that charming personal background, Trump is often characterized as a racist and antisemite who eggs on far-right extremist and white supremacist MagaManiacs like the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, and the Three Percenters in a vicious attempt to destroy democracy and subvert the U.S. Constitution. If the MagaManiacs had their way, we might all be hailing Trump as the next Julius Caesar, our Pontifex Maximus.
For Trump, you might say he’ll never let the felonies go to waste. Just as his one-time lawyer-“fixer”- and now nemesis Michael Cohen describes him as the ultimate con man, Trump will use the felony charges against him to further inflame his rabid supporters for his 2024 presidential run by portraying himself once again as the victim. That he’s being done in by left-wing sadistic prosecutors engaged in, as Trump insists, a “witch hunt.”
Since the former president has told his followers that he is their “redemption,” you might even see Trump crying to the heavens he’s being publicly crucified, all the while claiming to have sacrificed so much to save America from the radical left Antifa, the “communists” in Congress, and the “lamestream” media.
We’ve previously been subjected to Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump Water, Trump Hotel, Trump Airlines, and Trump Magazine. Now add to that unimpressive list the crowning achievement of his career. We can see it now playing on an endless loop for posterity: Trump facing the jury as it pronounces to the world, with the utmost solemnity and for just cause, what his new brand name shall be forever more--I Trump, Convicted Felon.
Eric Green has had many former incarnations. Topping the list is news writer for the U.S. State Department and U.S. Information Agency, newspaper reporter in Maryland, press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ESL teacher in Washington, D.C. Presently a freelance writer, his articles have appeared in such places as the Washington Post, Baltimore Sun, and Highbrow Magazine. In an attempt to be a latter-day Art Buchwald or Erma Bombeck, he writes satirical pieces about political figures and celebrities that appear on various humor websites. He is the author of several books, including Temporary Insanity: Costa Rica: My Way and My Penciled-in-Life, A Hoosier Pens a New Story in D.C.