October 27, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an opinion that sparked controversy in legal circles, Brett Kavanaugh wrote that there should be a cutoff for vote-counting but not for drinking.
The Supreme Court Justice wrote that, while ballots received after midnight on Election Night should not be counted, drink orders placed after closing time at a bar should always be honored.
“While the Constitution does not guarantee the right to vote, it clearly enshrines the right to drink,” Kavanaugh wrote. “If a patron is seated at a bar at midnight, drinking should be allowed to continue for hours, if not days, until drinking has been completed.”
Kavanaugh added that there is “no scenario in which it would be right to cut a drinker off.”
“If, for example, a drinker is at a bar after a UB40 concert and some other dudes start dissing UB40, and the dude—the first one—starts punching the other dudes, cutting off that dude would be bogus,” he wrote, adding, “UB40 is the best band evahhhh!”