August 3, 2022
KANSAS (The Borowitz Report)—Republicans in Kansas woke up to the dark prospect of life in a state where women have human rights, G.O.P. activists report.
Harland Dorrinson, a Republican stalwart in Kansas for more than forty years, said that now, after voters in the state appeared to affirm women should be treated as humans, “I no longer recognize my Kansas.”
“This is a slippery slope,” he said. “If women are granted bodily autonomy, it’s only a matter of time before they are permitted to marry who they want, wear what they want, eat what they want. I know I speak for many of my fellow-Republicans when I say I don’t want to live in a state like that.”
Dorrinson said that he is contemplating leaving the state where he has lived his entire life but is unsure where he might go. “If this kind of nightmare can happen in Kansas, it can happen anywhere,” he said.
Had Tuesday’s vote gone the other way, Dorrinson said, Republicans in the state had forecast a bright future for Kansas. “Next, we were hoping to roll back women’s right to vote,” he said, adding ruefully, “but it’s a little late for that now.”