March 1, 2021
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Josh Hawley announced on Monday that he would attempt to overturn the results of last weekend’s CPAC straw poll, which showed him to be the choice of only three per cent of attendees.
Claiming that there was “widespread fraud” in the way that the straw poll was conducted, he demanded urgent action to “stop the steal.”
“If CPAC does not immediately halt the certification of its straw-poll results, people will lose faith in CPAC as one of our nation’s sacred institutions,” the Missouri senator said.
Asked to provide evidence of straw-poll fraud, Hawley said, “There was a really cool photo of me pumping my fist in the air that everybody saw. That should be worth way more than three per cent.”
Responding to the senator’s demands, CPAC conducted a thorough recount of its straw poll, and found that Hawley had actually received two per cent.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.