January 3, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump begged Vladimir Putin to command her father to call off the attack on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, new reports indicate.
According to evidence collected by the House subcommittee investigating the insurrection, when Trump witnessed the rioting on television, she immediately placed a call to the Russian President.
“You’ve got to talk sense to my dad,” Trump reportedly pleaded. “You’re the only one he listens to.”
“Not Jared?” the Russian leader inquired.
“He thinks Jared’s a joke,” she replied.
According to the report, Putin politely declined her request. “If it got out that I was helping save American democracy, that would make me look bad,” he explained.
Trump reportedly said that she “understood,” and then placed a call to the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.