October 6, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest bombshell to threaten his beleaguered candidacy for the United States Senate, Herschel Walker is facing allegations that he aborted thousands of potentially complete sentences.
The charges came from Carol Foyler, one of the nation’s most militant opponents of verbal abortions.
“We in the pro-coherence movement believe that sentences begin at conception in the human brain,” Foyler said. “Herschel Walker has repeatedly aborted sentences before they had a chance to develop a subject and a predicate.”
In a particularly blistering indictment, she added, “The most dangerous place for a complete sentence is inside Herschel Walker’s mouth.”
Unlike Walker’s Democratic opponent, Senator Raphael Warnock, Foyler hailed the former N.F.L. running back’s decision not to appear in a televised debate. “Such a debate would be offensive to anyone who believes in the sanctity of human speech,” she said.
Just hours after Foyler levelled her charges, Walker denied “in strongest possible terms” that he had ever aborted a complete sentence.
“The thing is, and what they’re saying is, it’s completely, and no, I didn’t,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.