July 25, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Josh Hawley is “deeply concerned” that his newfound national reputation for cowardice is overshadowing his commitment to end democracy.
“People see one video of me fleeing like a terrified bunny, and they think that’s all there is to me,” Hawley told reporters at a press conference. “They’re totally forgetting that I’m also a guy who tried to overturn a free and fair election.”
Hawley admitted that, although it is tempting to stereotype him as “a guy who was scared shitless of a mob he had egged on earlier in the day, that’s just one side of me. What about the side of me that wantonly subverts democracy? That should count for something.”
“People are focusing on the totally chickenshit Josh Hawley and ignoring the lusting-for-autocracy Josh Hawley,” he complained.
Hawley’s press conference was cut short after a reporter asked a question and the senator ran away.