Greenland Will Only Consider Joining US After It Sees Epstein Files

By Andy Borowitz 

August 28, 2025

Nicola Abraham on Unsplash

GREENLAND (The Borowitz Report)—A spokesperson for the government of Greenland informed Donald J. Trump on Thursday that, while it is highly unlikely that the territory would ever choose to become part of the United States, it would only consider doing so after reading a complete and unredacted copy of the Epstein Files.

“It would be devastating for Greenland’s spotless reputation to be ruled by a pedophile,” the spokesperson, Hartvig Dorkelson, said. “And we’re certainly not going to accept a character reference from Ghislaine.”

In order to expedite Greenland’s receipt of the Epstein Files, he offered Attorney General Pam Bondi the territory’s email address, adding, “We’ll forward them to Canada.”