Gray Power!

By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.

Gray matter is an essential type of tissue in your brain and spinal cord. It plays a significant role in mental functions, such as memory and emotions. Gray matters are the physical and emotional issues of aging, experiences that occur across all cultures and socioeconomic strata.

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When I was much, much younger, my husband told me he had a dream of me with long, flowing gray hair. He hoped I would grow old gracefully. Since then, I have walked gracefully into the hair salon, had my hair colored, and walked gracefully out!

I always thought there would come a time, maybe in my 70s or 80s, certainly in my 90s, when I would feel compelled to go gray. When Covid shut us all down in 2020, it created a period of time when experimenting with gray hair was not only possible, but for me, preferable to buying a do-it-yourself product online. I opted to let my freak flag fly! Long, flowing gray hair it would be! Well, not exactly. It wasn’t that lovely dream. Instead, the white hair around my face washed me out so badly, I resembled a Covid patient.

I look around at family and friends and see most of them living with white or gray hair, free from the obsession or expense of the cover-up. Alas, I am an aging sinner, caught between envy and vanity.

Oh fiddle-de-dee! What does it really matter anyway?

There are certainly many more issues around aging that matter more than the superficial ones. We talk about some of them openly, while we suffer private wars with issues we are less comfortable sharing. When was the last time you had lunch with lady friends and the topics discussed were facial hair and dry vaginas? How often do men talk about balding and boner pills?

Aging is an insidious kind of phenomenon; it creeps up on us when we’re not looking in its direction. However, it seems there is an in-between time, transitional perhaps, when we begin to make more thoughtful and cautious decisions for ourselves, choices that are more age-appropriate, which will keep us safer yet still in the game. It’s that “gray area," somewhere between the pickleball court and the ER. One day, we’re climbing Mount Kilimanjaro and the next we’re climbing the stairs to the orthopedist’s office.

When I was thirtysomething, I began playing a game I call “the efficiency of time and movement." How many tasks can I accomplish in the quickest way with the fewest number of steps? Today, everyone is conscious of getting their “steps” in. We wear Apple watches, Garmins, or other activity trackers to reward us for achieving optimal numbers. I’m in the gray area here! Do I continue to enjoy my game, or do I join the ranks of my gray-haired friends and see how many steps I can add to my daily routine?

The other day I was thinking about Mrs. Bookman, the little old gray-haired lady who tried to teach my three sisters and me how to play piano. She appeared at our home every week in a smart wool skirt, a crisp blouse, sensible low heels, and an armful of classical music. She may have been 45. If 40 was middle-aged back then, she was over-the-hill. When did 60 become the new middle age?

I am acutely aware of people’s preoccupation with age once they turn 60. At first, I thought they were merely counting down until the day they could collect Social Security. Now, I don’t think that’s it entirely. People in their 60s seem to want to reassure themselves they are still in good shape. They take 100-mile bike rides through Italy and hike over the Pyrenees Mountains on pilgrimage. If they are not taking three exercise classes a day and playing pickleball, they must have Covid. Some claim to be having the best sex of their lives, but…hush, hush…does it count if Viagra and vibrators are involved?

So, if 60 is the new middle age, does this mean we are expected to live to the ripe old age of 120?

“Old” is the operative word here. I actually struggle with that word. It can be confusing and difficult to calculate. My hips are 9 and 2 years old, respectively. How do I love them? Let me count the ways.

While contemplating my navel, I came up with three categories of aging: Old, Older, and Oldest.

Old is that state-of-mind, regardless of your chronological age, when you define yourself as being way beyond shelf life.

Older is when your chronological age is past middle age but your body is still cooperating and your spirit is light and young.

And Oldest is when you no longer want to play these silly games--you throw your hands up in the air and declare you are proud and thrilled that you have lived as long as you have.

(Sigh) These issues of aging! The ones that slap us in our wrinkled faces and remind us we cannot stop that skin from sagging. One thing we can be sure of: We are all walking, running or hobbling in the same direction.

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Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients--working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operation, and is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.

NancyFishmanPhD.com

ForgottenHarvest.org