By David Perel / Boynton Beach, Fla.
After Republicans reclaimed the House of Representatives in the midterm elections, its members gathered around Speaker Kevin McCarthy like preschoolers who had just been asked “Who wants ice cream?” The treat they sought was House committee assignments.
In the tradition of Neville Chamberlain, McCarthy made promises to and deals with the most untrustworthy leaders since, well, you know. And that was only to secure the speakership. Then came the prize for every camera-seeking, bombastic representative: the actual committee assignments.
In a party where Marjorie Taylor Greene is now considered mainstream, there is havoc to be wreaked upon democracy and McCarthy did a good job of ensuring it with his selections. But here are the committee assignments he should have made, putting people in the jobs for which they have unique attributes.
Some of these committees do not exist. But they should. Some representatives have too much expertise in certain areas to ignore.
Ethics Committee: George Santos (R-N.Y.) is the perfect choice. Who knows more about ethics than George? Sure, he has continuously been on the wrong side of ethical/not ethical decisions, but doesn’t that contribute to his knowledge and expertise? An aggrieved landlord who owned no properties, a man who wrote checks from a stolen checkbook according to Brazilian authorities, an animal lover who is accused by a Navy veteran of stealing $3,000 from a GoFundMe intended to raise funds for the veteran’s sick dog––this is a man who is more familiar with ethical issues than Ginni Thomas. Simply by recognizing ethical breaches, George can help cover them up, er, solve them. He’s the only person fit for this job.
Space Force Committee. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) is the only choice to head this committee. Her knowledge of space lasers, in particular Jewish Space Lasers, is unparalleled. No need to wonder where those wildfires in California came from, she knows the answer: the very busy Rothschild family, at the center of every anti-Semitic trope, made sure that Jews had control of the fire-starting lasers. MTG is certain to help America reclaim the Space Lasers from the Jews and make America a safer place.
Hunter Biden Laptop Committee. There is no greater threat to democracy than Hunter Biden. The mastermind of the Biden Crime Family has been extremely busy (between battling addiction issues) at making secret deals for himself and his dad with the Chinese and with a Ukrainian energy company, thereby unduly influencing American foreign policy.
In addition, naked photos of Hunter were found on his laptop. And while reports that the laptop also contained photos of naked young ladies have been debunked, there is only one politician qualified to get to the bottom of that: Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.). When the subject matter is naked young women and partying, you won’t find a more diligent investigator than Gaetz (just ask Joel Greenberg).
Physical Fitness Committee. This is a natural fit for Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). He’s a former NCAA wrestling champion who became an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State University. He valued physical fitness above all else and never let distractions get in the way. Multiple wrestlers from his team say they were sexually abused by the team doctor and when they informed Jordan he did not take action. Despite on-the-record accounts of wrestlers recalling they informed Jordan of the abuse, Jordan denies knowing about the doctor’s actions. This proves Gym Jordan is singularly focused on physical fitness and the right man to be committee chair.
A special advisor to this committee will be Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.), who after riling up the Jan. 6 crowd was later caught on video sprinting like an Olympic champion as he sought safety from the mob he incited. That type of physical fitness is laudable.
Family Values Committee.. Though some dismiss her as a bomb-throwing egomaniacal publicity seeker, Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) has personal experience with the challenges of family values, a fact that makes her uniquely qualified for this post. In January 2004, when she was single, she was at a bowling alley with Jayson Boebert when he was arrested for exposing himself to two women. He pled guilty to "public indecency and lewd exposure" and served seven days in jail. While this might have been a relationship killer for many women, Lauren married Jayson the following year, after each of them had been arrested on domestic violence charges from two incidents in 2004.
In her memoir, Lauren denied that her husband exposed himself, despite eyewitness statements, and claimed he only took the plea deal “because he needed the alcohol and anger management classes that came with the plea deal." For Lauren, and all right-thinking Americans, family values means never having to say you’re sorry – no matter how many eyewitnesses there are. She is an ardent supporter of marriage being between one woman and one man, even if he may or may not have exposed himself in a public setting. Anyone who disagrees is viewing it through an anti-Christian, liberal, snowflake, woke, judgy-judgy lens.
Great Replacement Theory Committee. Listen up, White people, End Times are here. Far worse than the end of humanity, the End Times signal the end of White people’s tyranny–strike that–dominance and the rise of people who don’t look like Tucker Carlson (wink, wink, nod, nod). Fortunately, the House is chock-full of nuts, er, Republicans who will prevent this. (Reuters defines the theory as one that fosters the belief that leftist and Jewish elites are engineering the ethnic and cultural replacement of white populations with non-white immigrants, which will lead to a ‘white genocide.’”)
Because Jewish elites are involved, Greene must chair this committee. With her work on the Space Force Committee, she will be able to disarm the Jewish lasers, thereby taking away a key weapon. In an effort to derail the Democrats secret plot to bring in illegal immigrants, allow them to vote, and thereby replace the white minority with a non-white majority, some Republicans created a document for a potential America First Caucus, outlining a Great New White America. Under the immigration section they wrote: “America is a nation with a border, and a culture strengthen by a common respect for uniquely Anglo-Saxon political traditions.
"History has shown that societal trust and political unity are threatened when foreign citizens are imported en masse into a country.”
The document explains that while some factions benefit from this, the reality is that it threatens the “future of America as a unique country with a unique culture and a unique identity.” (For a better understanding, substitute the word “white” for “unique.”)
Brian Babin (R-Tex.), Scott Perry (R-Pa.), Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert must join Greene on the committee as they have all embraced this theory. (Greene later said she had nothing to do with the incendiary document, blaming it on her staff, who all broke out in laughter. Wait, no, a staff member later apologized, although he may or may not have had a space laser aimed at his head at the time).
Boebert, normally known for her subtlety (is there an eyewink emoji? If so, imagine it here), said: “Yes, there is definitely a replacement theory that’s going on right now.” Gaetz said: There is an attempted cultural genocide going on in America right now.” Babin said: “They want to replace the American electorate with a Third World electorate that will be on welfare.”
Do not worry, white people––the new House of Representatives is on the job.
David Perel is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated investigative journalist. He has worked as a senior executive at several media companies.