March 29, 2021
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Raising the ante in his ongoing battle with the aqueous substance, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has declared water “a gateway drug that leads to voting.”
“We’ve consulted a lot of studies on this,” he said. “People are much more likely to vote if they are under the influence of water.”
The governor said that he was considering a number of measures to address water addiction, including stiffer penalties for voting while quenching.
In his starkest warning, Kemp told those who traffic in the banned liquid, “We’re coming after you,” and promised prison time for anyone combining hydrogen and oxygen in illegal water labs.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
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