August 27, 2021
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—In what many have seen as a legal setback for Governor Ron DeSantis, a Florida judge has ruled that the state’s residents have a right to a smarter governor.
“The Constitution does not grant you the right to yell ‘fire’ in a crowded theatre,” Judge John Cooper, of Florida’s Second Circuit, wrote. “Similarly, it does not grant you the right to govern a state like a blithering idiot.”
“The Declaration of Independence enshrines the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” Cooper continued. “All three are imperilled in a state run by a blazing bonehead.”
DeSantis swiftly blasted the ruling, stating that it would have a “chilling effect” on ignorant politicians becoming the governor of Florida going forward.
DeSantis’s statement drew strong support from two of his state’s most prominent political luminaries, the former governors Rick Scott and Jeb Bush.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.