April 1, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding his voice to the movement to legalize cannabis at the federal level, Dr. Anthony Fauci testified that marijuana could be helpful to people who have to listen to Senator Ted Cruz speak.
“Medically speaking, there is no way to completely alleviate the pain of hearing Ted Cruz’s voice,” Fauci told the Senate. “But, anecdotally, I can tell you that marijuana helps.”
Fauci said that a septuagenarian man who had previously suffered while listening to Cruz noted “marked improvement” when he ingested marijuana prior to another encounter.
“The results were dramatic,” he said. “His feelings of anger, depression, and despair were all greatly reduced.”
“Sitting here before you today, I can tell you that people are breaking the law in order to survive experiencing Ted Cruz,” he said. “They should be allowed to come out of the shadows.”