August 11, 2021
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a new health advisory, the nation’s leading epidemiologist, Dr. Anthony Fauci, said that it is “perfectly safe” for Americans to watch YouTube, following news that Senator Rand Paul had been suspended from the platform.
“In the past, I’ve warned about the health consequences of listening to Rand Paul,” he said. “People experience headaches and nausea. Sometimes, they feel like their brain cells are actually leaking straight out of their heads. That’s why I’ve consistently urged people to limit their exposure to this guy.”
Fauci said that, given Paul’s suspension from the site, previous health advisories regarding YouTube “no longer apply.”
“I think that this would be an excellent time for every American to enjoy YouTube,” he said. “Watch some funny cat videos, or maybe some kooky skateboard stunts that went awry. Rand Paul’s suspended for only seven days, so watch as much YouTube as you can while it’s still safe.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.