August 23, 2021
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining that it was taking the action “out of an abundance of caution,” the Food and Drug Administration has withdrawn its approval from “whatever drug Rand Paul is on.”
The agency emphasized that it did not know what drug the senator was taking, or whether he was taking any drug at all, but asserted that it was withdrawing its approval out of a concern for public safety.
“If, in fact, Rand Paul is on something, we want to protect the American people from experiencing the same side effects that he appears to be exhibiting, such as irrationality, irritability, and difficulty processing information,” an F.D.A. spokesperson said.
The F.D.A.’s action drew a swift rebuke from Paul, who accused the agency of overreach and declared, “This is my brain on no drugs whatsoever.”
Responding to the Kentucky senator’s statement, the F.D.A. said that it was reversing its earlier decision but would refer Paul for further clinical study.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.