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Dr. Oz Hopes to Replace Rand Paul as Biggest Quack in Senate

December 1, 2021

Photograph by Nathan Congleton / NBC / Getty
Photograph by Nathan Congleton / NBC / Getty

PENNSYLVANIA (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining his decision to enter the political sphere, Dr. Mehmet Oz said that he hopes to oust Rand Paul as the biggest quack in the United States Senate.

Oz said that Paul, a former ophthalmologist, has shown an impressive obliviousness about medicine while serving in Washington, but added, “I think I can out-quack him.”

“In the many times he’s grilled Dr. Fauci, has he ever asked him about the health benefits of magic coffee beans or umckaloabo-root extract?” Oz said. “I think America deserves a senator who will ask those tough questions.”

Paul, speaking to reporters, seemed unfazed by Oz’s determination to supplant him as the Senate’s top quack.

“I respect Dr. Oz as a fellow-charlatan, and the competition can only light a fire under me to become a bigger charlatan myself,” he said. “But if, in the end, he winds up besting me, I’ve had a good run.”

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.



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