April 18, 2022
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Proposing a sweeping ban on math in Florida’s classrooms, Governor Ron DeSantis asserted that “the latest research” indicates that “math makes children gay.”
“For years, liberals in the education mafia have brainwashed Americans into thinking that our children should learn to add, subtract, multiply, and divide,” he told reporters. “We now know that numbers are a portal into a so-called alternative life style.”
“Children who learn how to count are more likely to pursue careers in fashion and Broadway musicals,” the Governor claimed. “Even worse, some of these musicals will be produced by Disney.”
DeSantis said that he was establishing a task force to determine how many of Florida’s schoolchildren may have been exposed to math in recent years.
“Fortunately, thanks to the tireless efforts of our former Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, those numbers are fairly low,” he said.
After a reporter noted that DeSantis had just referred to numbers, the Governor abruptly ended the press conference to “pray the math away.”