August 5, 2021
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—In his most scathing assignment of blame to date, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis blasted the other forty-nine states for conspiring to make his own look bad.
“Our COVID numbers wouldn’t seem so terrible if other states’ numbers weren’t better,” he said. “You don’t have to be a detective to figure out who stands to benefit from this scenario.”
“Nice try, other forty-nine states,” he bellowed. “I’m onto you!”
DeSantis’s remarks drew a strong rebuke from a fellow Republican governor, Greg Abbott of Texas.
“If you look at our COVID numbers, you’ll find that Texas has been doing everything in our power to make Florida look good,” he said. “Ron DeSantis’s comments are very hurtful.”
Immediately following Abbott’s statement, DeSantis issued a heartfelt apology. “I appreciate everything Texas has done to make Florida look good,” he said. “But the other forty-eight states still suck.”