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Biden Tells Putin He Must Return His Oval Office Keys

April 14, 2021

Photograph by Alexei Druzhinin / TASS / Getty
Photograph by Alexei Druzhinin / TASS / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a phone conversation that the White House characterized as “frank,” President Biden told the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, that he had to return his Oval Office keys.

Putin, who reportedly has had the keys since 2017, was taken aback by Biden’s demand, sources said.

“Look, pal, if you want to have a summit meeting, you’re gonna have to give back the keys,” Biden reportedly told the Russian. “Those are the rules of the road.”

Despite Putin’s response, which was described as “frosty,” sources indicated that Biden refused to give ground.

“Don’t get all mopey now, champ,” Biden said. “You had a good run.”

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.



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