October 6, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Biden announced that he was pardoning all people convicted under federal law of marijuana possession in order to make prison cells available for members of the Trump Administration.
Announcing the decision from the Oval Office, Biden said, “At present, thousands of Americans are in prison for the possession of marijuana. Those thousands of prison cells are badly needed to accommodate the influx of Trump aides, associates, and family members.”
Biden said that vacating the existing prison cells would save the American taxpayer billions “since the only alternative was to construct approximately forty thousand new cells that the incoming Trump prisoners would require.”
Calling the decision to pardon the marijuana users “one of the easiest [he’s] ever made,” Biden said, “What’s worse, lighting up a spliff or stealing the nuclear codes? Come on, man.”
Just minutes after Biden’s announcement, the former Trump attorney Rudolph Giuliani held a press conference at the Four Seasons Head Shop in Bethesda, Maryland.
“I am holding in my hand a sworn affidavit from Donald J. Trump, indicating that, throughout the entire time he was President, he was high,” Giuliani said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.