July 21, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an impassioned plea in open court, lawyers for Steve Bannon argued that imprisoning their client would result in cruel and unusual punishment for those incarcerated with him.
“The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution explicitly bans cruel and unusual punishment,” Bannon’s attorney, Harland Dorrinson, declared. “We strongly believe that being locked up in the same facility with Mr. Bannon is precisely what the authors of that amendment had in mind.”
Forcing prisoners to be imprisoned with Bannon would violate “not only the Constitution but the Geneva Conventions,” he added.
“Speaking from personal experience, I have spent hours in proximity to Mr. Bannon,” the attorney said. “The prospect of spending five or ten years in such a state is too horrible to contemplate.”
In a final argument, the attorney noted the behavior of the federal prosecutors, who rested their case against Bannon after calling only two witnesses. “Your Honor, they clearly couldn’t wait to get out of here,” he said. “I beg of you, let us all leave.”