Are We Ever Too Old to Marry?

By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.

For people who have never been married, the romantic notion of cohabitation might have enough appeal to try marriage if the opportunity arises later in life.  If you had been married and experienced the death or divorce of a spouse, you certainly would have a different perspective. I’m guessing that people who divorce are less likely to consider remarriage. The bloom is off the rose. On the other end of the spectrum are those who had good marriages and could never imagine living life alone. In fact, severe loneliness and the need to take care of someone are reasons that drive some to seek new partners.

My mother-in-law, Rose, lost her husband when she was 71. She never imagined being with any other man. But four years later, she met Sam, a widower from New York, who lived in the same apartment building. They met in the lobby, flirted in the elevator, and began watching TV together in the evenings. Rose discovered that she really enjoyed making dinner for Sam. The company was exactly what each needed. Soon they talked about the benefits of marriage: one rent to pay, shared interests, and the security of companionship.

Marriage! Yes! That seemed like a smart idea until Sam moved into Rose’s more spacious apartment. Like a light switch was flipped, Sam immediately began bossing her around. He was not at all grateful that she spent thousands of dollars having his teeth fixed, buying him a whole new wardrobe, and paying for all the groceries. It took her a long while until she confided in us that Sam was verbally abusive and wouldn’t stop talking. My mother-in-law concluded she needed to divorce him.

Just as she was about to hire an attorney, Sam had a stroke, rendering him speechless! Oh, the irony was not lost on Rose and our family. She divorced him and sent him back to New York for his family to take care of him. At that moment, Rose declared, “Never again!”

My friend’s mother, Mrs. Anywitz (a pseudonym), met a different Sam, also from New York, at her synagogue. He was nice and very, very friendly. Their rabbi encouraged them to marry during their advancing years. When Mrs. Anywitz passed away, her family discovered she had been covering for Sam’s progressing dementia. He had no family living in the area, so my friend put Sam in a nursing home to receive the care his mother would have wanted him to have. Every other day, my friend would get a call from the nursing home. Apparently, Sam was very, very friendly there as well. Most mornings, the staff would find him in bed with female residents, one or two at a time.

You never really know what you get when you marry in the graying years. It’s kind of like adopting an older puppy. There are medical expenses, fussy diets, separation anxiety, drooling, and tushy baths. You have to wonder if it is ever worth it, especially if there is no chance for a satisfying sex life.

Many women enjoy more fulfilling companionship among the sisterhood of females. You can always find a girlfriend to go to dinner, appreciate cultural events, or take a cruise. Even though it’s not a marriage, women seem to take relationships very seriously. When in need, you can always count on a female pal to be there for you.

Throughout five decades in private practice as a psychologist, I have worked with countless people who have considered remarriage. One man, in particular, had a long marriage with five adult children and a slew of grandchildren. He and his wife married young before they each had a chance to consider they might be the wrong match for one another. After almost two years of pouring out his heart to me about how unhappy he had always been in the marriage, he finally decided to seek a divorce.

To say he had soured on the concept of marriage is an understatement. However, once he began living alone, he discovered the loneliness was less tolerable than the thought of finding a new love relationship. So, he took the plunge and activated a profile on a dating site. Getting back in the saddle for the first time since his college years was scary. He was full of self-doubt. He worried about women’s expectations and his ability to measure up to men with more experience.

Soon, he discovered most women perceived the qualities he valued in himself. Unlike his wife, they were eager to be with him. He found himself laughing and having fun. Life was ripe with potential.

Then, he met a special woman and began to consider spending his life with her. There they were…both with gray hair, eight children and many grandchildren between them. The adult children were thrilled to see their parents happy; they heartily endorsed the idea of a new marriage.  Every December I receive a holiday card from the couple reminding me that remarriage is always an option at any age.

Though you are never too old to remarry, I just bet it’s not on everyone’s bucket list.

As for me, I say, “Hell, nooo!”

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This column is devoted to psychological topics that speak to the human condition, such as relationships, family, love, loss, and happiness. The ideas, thoughts, philosophies, and observations expressed here are personal and not meant as professional advice. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of real people.

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Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients, working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operations. She is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative, and the organizer of Feeding Morgan Hill. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.

NancyFishmanPhD.com

ForgottenHarvest.org