October 15, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Conflict erupted between Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh after the Supreme Court nominee refused to tell the Justice which brand of beer she wanted him to stock for her in the Court refrigerator.
Kavanaugh, who has made it his job to keep the office fridge supplied with grain-based beverages, called Barrett to determine her preferences and was astonished when she stonewalled.
“She was, like, ‘I’m not going to weigh in on something that contentious,’ and I was, like, ‘You’re shitting me,’ ”Kavanaugh said. “She was not shitting me. I was, like, ‘Dude.’”
“I mean, it’s not like I was asking her about some dumb legal case,” he said. “This is important. This is beer.”
Kavanaugh, who identifies his vast private collection of microbrews and I.P.A.s in the Court fridge with masking-tape labels reading “BRETT,” says that his stash is now “strictly off limits” to Barrett.
“If Amy wants a beer and all that’s there is Old Milwaukee, she better not coming crying to me,” he said.