July 9, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.
Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school, but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner, Rand Paul, and Betsy DeVos.
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back to school could be complicated and expensive, the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater, the poll indicates.
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom.
Science and math received the strongest support, but a substantial number of respondents also favored history, geography, and English.
Finally, if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall, a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send someone else in his place.