By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker
July 17, 2023
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas have stirred controversy by co-authoring a Supreme Court opinion declaring that yachts are people.
The sweeping opinion, which yachts’-rights organizations immediately hailed as “long overdue,” grants the luxury vessels the unlimited ability to entertain government officials on their decks in order to gain political influence.
“For decades, yachts have been tireless in their struggle to be treated like human beings,” Harland Dorrinson, the president of the National Council on Equality for Boats, said. “For them, this victory represents the end of a long, hard regatta.”
“The public should note that yacht owners have traditionally referred to their boats as ‘she,’ ” he added. “Given that, this is the most pro-female opinion this Court is likely to issue.”
But some legal scholars, such as Professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota Law School, believe that reclassifying yachts as people could have unintended consequences.
“Thanks to the conservative super-majority on the Court, yachts are gaining rights at the same time that actual people are losing theirs,” Logsdon said. “In order to be treated like humans, people may soon have to claim to be yachts.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.